Day 9

Why? Oh why? I keep asking myself this. What is the worst possible thing you could do on a job interview? I am sure mine is up there on the list. I went to the Charity of Sisters to fill out an application and do an interview today. I worked all day til about 3 o'clock then headed straight there. I got there at 330 and I was right on time. This place was beautiful to say the least. It was the cleanest nursing type facility I ever saw, it was ritzier than a Hilton. I filled out my application and then went into my interview. Two nuns, probably the nicest women I have ever met. Passed my papers around for a bit and then asked me a few questions. Then the BIG question came. The one said looking me straight in the eye, " so on the phone you said there were some issues with you being able to get a job. Will you tell us more about this?" The words came out like they always do, but this time it was different. This time tears came too. I STARTED CRYING. It was mortifying. I just started balling. I couldn't stop myself. Here I am in a job interview, with two perfect strangers crying. They tried to console me and gave me tissues. Oh, it was so embarrassing. I don't cry in front of people. I hardly cry in front of my own family let alone people I am trying to get a job from. I don't know what came over me. Because I was talking to nuns? because I was in a church? because I was nervous? because I'm hormonal? IDK but I did. I cried like a little baby. Then after my first melt down, they chatted about other things, the job criteria and such, I couldn't hear a word they said. I couldn't make eye contact. I couldn't think straight. I just kept crying and trying to apologize for my making a scene. They began to talk about how I need to forgive myself and hold my head up high that just brought more tears. I talked about placement and all the hoops I went through for the court and to get my license but I cried trying to talk about that too.  Every word that came out of my mouth was followed by a tear from my eye. IDK what came over me. It was horrible. I just wanted to thank them for their time and leave the room but they just kept talking. I was in there for an hour. After we were done. They both shook my hand and said some more nice things about forgiveness, they both looked like they wanted to give me a hug, which left me crying as I bolted out the door. I left the building put my sunglasses on and cried the whole way to the car. Sat down and cried some more for the way I acted. WHAT A DAY. Ugh, I was so embarrassed. I never do this. I've never felt more low. WHY? why did I cry? I thought the whole way home. If I get the job it will be out of sympathy. If I don't it will be because I was a basket case. IDK what happened. Was it time for me to humiliate myself in front of perfect strangers? Is this part of healing? Is it because I've been opening myself up to everything I bottled up, did I per say stir shit up that cause this? I have been think about it lately obviously I have been journaling about it daily. Is that why? Or is it time for me to face the music, am I ever gonna be ok? Am I ever gonna be able to sit down and tell people face to face like that ever again? I have done it before but this time was different. This time I let myself go, I guess. I guess it is better. I told my boyfriend and then came home and told my dad. My dad said even if you don't get the job you did a good thing. You pretty much went to confession. Those people are the sort of people you tell those things too. IDK what happened. I fell apart. At least it makes for an interesting story and some day I WILL LAUGH ABOUT IT. Not today though. I stopped crying though and I have managed to calm myself down enough to write this. Wow. The shit has been stirred. I feel better now. Like maybe this needed to happen. I have always believed everything happens for a reason. Maybe this needed to happen to me today. Maybe I needed this. I just don't get why there? Why in a job interview. It hit me like this before but I was alone. It was the year two anniversary. I was alone in my room. The tears just came. I sat on my floor balling my eyes out. Crying I killed someone. I think thats when it finally sank in. Two years later. I had already been through placement and everything. But I kind of just went through the motions. I just can't believe this happened. I cried to two nuns for an hour instead of answering routine interview questions I layed my heart on the table.