Day 8

I had a good day today. Nothing too spectacular but I had a pretty easy day at work so thats always nice. I'm soo hungry and tired after a rough day, I don't even wanna shower when I get home. But today went good. I didn't have many negative thoughts, some but nothing out of the ordinary that I couldn't just talk myself out of. Tomorrow is pay day so I am really looking forward to it. I scheduled for my online class today too, so theres where the money will go ha, oh well its worth it. Education is my goal right now. I am going tomorrow to fill out an application and do an interview with the sisters of charity who need a casual RN, I talked to the one sister and she told me that we will try so hopefully they will be able to hire me so I can get some nursing experience. That would be fa nominal but I'm not getting my hopes up, when it is my time to start nursing it will be my time, it is in Gods hands. Right now I am getting my ducks in a row for the fall. I have decided to go Full-Time to get my BSN so I will be in class two nights a week with one online class. My plate will be full. It will only take me one year too, so I'll be on the road to getting my masters or specializing in something. I have really been thinking about becoming a Midwife. I really enjoyed my OB rotation and a Midwife would be something I think I would enjoy doing. I also really like children. I have a natural ability with kids. I have been babysitting since I was 12 and kids just really seem to like me. I am good at it too, right now I juggle a 2 year old, an 8 year old and a 10 year old at the same time. Plus soon I'll have an infant, my sister in law is having another one, so I think I can handle taking care of children. I still don't know what I wanna do though. I think it will come in time. I have so much I will be doing soon. I am really looking forward to it. I like to keep busy. It keeps my mind off of everything, but I don't wanna just shove it down like I did before. I have new outlets so I am sure I will be in a better place. I definitely want to keep writing on this. I like to let things out on here it really makes me feel better to get it out. I seem to be having better days because when I come home I get to write it out. I used to journal and write poetry in middle school. I went through this whole emo phase back then but the art of it stayed with me. I do really love art. It is one of the things I put on the back burner since leaving high school. I would really like to get back into it but my time is limited and money for supplies but I still doodle like crazy any chance I get. My nursing notes are filled with them. I am not good, but it makes me feel better to create something pretty to look at. I am also super organized. Well I try to be anyways. I think I have a little OCD when it comes to my things. I enjoy cleaning as well, thats what I do now. I am a housekeeper. I am good at cleaning and it makes me feel good to organize and clean things. That is what I am trying to do with my life too. I just seems to let things go. Never bothered to clean up after myself or something to that effect. I lost sight of who I really was. I am a caring person who loves kids, loves to clean house and do the right things. Not some wild child who doesn't care about anyone but herself. I am a fixer. A helper. Not a destroyer. Oh, the destruction I caused. The upheaval I made. It hurts me to think about the pain I caused so many people. I was gonna put a what if statement there but I wasn't so I have to quit what iffing about everything it only upsets me more. But to my point. I'm trying to clean my life up, put things back into the places they belong and make things good again. Make these lives matter, appropriately. Not just as a bad thing like it feels now, but in a good way. I feel that what I did opened doors somewhere for something great to happen. IDK what yet. But its out there. I look at it this way, if it hadn't happened IDK where I would be. I could still be with that ex somewhere bare foot and pregnant. He may have gotten cancer or something down the road and suffered more. IDK, ALL I DO KNOW IS THAT IT HAPPENED. I can't take it back. If I could I would but I know I can't. IT HAPPENED. HE DIED. I KILLED SOMEONE. I must live with the consequences of my actions FOREVER. but I don't want the story to end there, and it hasn't there was much more that happened after that really defined who I really am. I took responsibility for what I did. I stood up and faced everything head on. I carried my cross. I am still carrying it. I will carry it to the end. I will turn things around. I will live this life for myself and him and do these great things I am meant to do. I am striving everyday to do the right things and so far so good.