Day 7

I am off work today. First day in a long while. There are so many things I needed to get done with around the house. It is really good to get them all done. Funny thing though when I was cleaning and putting picture frames back up on the piano (my sister took them down for her prom pictures a few weeks ago and I hadn't had time to redecorate the living room since) I wanted to put a picture of my boyfriend up from when he won his award for his show car a few weeks ago. Any how I found a nice old frame with an old picture of my brother in it, from years ago a horrible photo of him with black hair and I said this will do, lol. I opened it up and found an old photo of me and the ex that I was with at the time of the accident. I completely forgot about it. I threw everything else away that I ever had of him years ago. It was odd. Like a sign or something. Telling me hey don't forget. I looked so different. It was so strange seeing myself. I didn't look like myself even. I had tons of makeup on, my hair was dark and there wasn't that light in my eyes like there is today. I won't ever forget, but it was just like a sign from God giving me more reassurance that I am not that person I was once before. I have grown so much. IDK thats how I took it anyhow. I did really love him, I could see that from the photo as well, and he loved me, in as much as he could i guess. It was just odd that I found it. It didn't set me off in a negative way though. I just thought about how much different I am now. And how I really love who I am today. I am getting stronger everyday. I don't always see it, but today I did. I drove my boyfriends mustang without flinching too much haha. I have car anxiety. I think I always have. It got really bad there for a while. Thats when I started going to therapy again, gave up drinking coffee full-time like it was my job and started using therapeutic things to get myself stable. I had physical symptoms I would conjure up to thinking I was gonna stroke out and die. But I have been doing really well with them. I don't let things get to me anymore and I can drive without thinking im gonna wreck. I have my moments but for the most part I am alright. I've really grown into my own I think. I am making good decisions and focusing on the right things in life. I do love myself. That is probably why I worry so much about thinking I am going to die. I feel like I lived for a reason. A reason I haven't found yet but I know it is out there. I went to a few psychic readings and they told me that I would do something great in my life. The one said I am going to be more than just a nurse. That there was something more in my future than just working long hours of unappreciated ass wiping. I really hope there is. I really hope I can do something worth while you know. That I can make both my life and his life worth it.