Day 6

Work went good today. I actually talked with the girl and made kinda friends with her. She knows my younger sister and some people from around where I live so it was kinda nice. I had that underlying fear yesterday that kept me from utter more than a few words to her but today I let my guard down a little and it was nice. I feel I need a new friend. A lot of my old friends are busy with there lives or doing things I don't approve of like smoking weed. It is nothing I want in my life so I had to cut ties with a lot of them. Most people my age are big bar goers too. That's not for me either.  I don't wanna live my life under the influence. I  was never a big drinker but when I did look where it got me. My dad is an alcoholic too. It wears heavy on my heart because despite all that I have been through when he binges he drinks and drives. I have horrible visions of him killing himself. Wrecking and dying on a drive home from the liquor store. Or him killing someone else just like I did. It haunts me. Alcohol has been such a negative thing in my life. The wild ways of partying are just not the lifestyle I want to live. My younger sister scares me too. She started smoking weed and she drives after she smokes and it eats me up. It effects your motor coordination too. I worry about her as well. Every time the fire whistle goes off when one of them is out those visions pop into my brain. My mom said the day of my accident it went off, but she didn't think it was for me. My parents really cared about me, but they were naive in what they thought of me. I was there princess they didn't think I did half the things I did. And now they have their hands full again with my sister, who is the baby of the family. She gets away with a lot. I try to look at life through different eyes now. I never thought I'd be in trouble. I got mixed up. It all goes back to when I was younger. I felt out of place. I never fit in anywhere. In High School I did everything. I was a cheerleader, band member, art club rat, I hung out with all different types of people but I still felt alone. There comes boys. I dated my first boyfriend for 2 years. He was older than me and out of high school. When I was with him he made me miss out on high school stuff, I always had to do what he wanted and I didn't realize it when I was with him but he manipulated me and lied to me about everything. So after being with a jerk that treated me like a child, I met this other guy who needed looking after. BIG MISTAKE. I should have knew from the beginning it was a disaster waiting to happen but I didn't. All I thought about was he needs me. I can help him. I waited on him hand and foot. I was his crutch to life I helped him pass the 12th grade and graduate. He taught me things too. What sex was, what cigarettes were. What drinking was. Yes, he was a good teacher. I fell soo in love with him that I really, really thought hey I've been missing this whole life of being wild, why not? I don't blame him for my accident. But I was drinking with him. His mom used to supply us with it. She bought the bottle that day too. I don't blame her either. It was a wake up call. After the accident I found out who he really was. A scared little boy in a manly body. He lied to the cops about me even being at his house. He said I drank at home. How could I drink at home if I was on my way home? It doesn't matter. He wasn't there for me at all. Her either. They both were cowards. I went through everything with out them. I took full responsibility for my actions and I still do to this day. When I tell people I don't even mention his name. To me, he died that day for me. It took me a long time to get over him. More tine than I like to admit but I was deeply in love with him. A toxic love that poisoned a lot of my life. I learned so much from everything I've been through. To me it is a blessing in disguise. A really good disguise. To this day I am still unraveling all that it has taught me about life.