Today
so I went to therapy....and my therapist explained...or helped me realise that this depression and frustration is my inner child and I'm ignoring her...want to push her away.....
So in quite an emotional way....and god only knows how.....I picked her up in therapy.....and she skipped all the way to the car park with me.....she had her school dress on and frilly socks.....she didn't know when she was cold.....and she smiled as she got in my car and didn't stop smiling....she giggled at the dog on the long walk through the grass....and swirled around in the wind.....she cowered like a frightened thing when we pulled up at my mums and giggled all the way back when we didn't stay.....she smiled at me from the sofa....even when my neighbour (who keeps overstepping boundaries) came round to ask me out....my hands have never shaked so much as I told him loudly and clearly, NO and that 5 pages of intimate poetry was inappropriate and I didnt want it or a meal or a relationship....he looked a bit concerned as I realised how shakey he'd made me.......but if anyones reading this, i hope you trust me to know...he is very strange and its creeping me out...I didn't ask or encourage for poetry and I was only ever 'polite'...but I hate how hes made me feel....but my inner child sat on the sofa and smiled at me and wiggled her feet...
I could only look at her and wonder.......and then I realised her giggles and smiles...are because i've NOTICED HER...for the first time ever....I see her smile....I see her eyes so hopeful and totally trusting in me.....I feel her joy and her very basic needs....and things become so clear.
I become clear of guilt...to my mother...neighbour.....
she just watches....and knows she's the only thing that matters for the very first time.
she smiled as she watched my ex come and visit...to help with the neighbour issue...she watched as he looked gorgous....but didnt pay for the pizza delivery...didnt offer reassurance just read the poetry....watched the film, ate the pizza....she giggled at the costumes on the film......she watched me hug my ex too tightly at the end...and close the door and wish he could just be there for me....and she smiled because she knows now that we've found eachother...we don't need him..or anyone....
I'm worried I sound a little crazy....but I could never ever see the 6 year old me...and I've founf her...she's thin and tanned...cute eyes...they kinda sparkle and she has so much faith in me........and everything I've got...she's delighted.....my old sofa...old tv....she smiles and smiles.....
wonder if she'll be there in the morning?
So in quite an emotional way....and god only knows how.....I picked her up in therapy.....and she skipped all the way to the car park with me.....she had her school dress on and frilly socks.....she didn't know when she was cold.....and she smiled as she got in my car and didn't stop smiling....she giggled at the dog on the long walk through the grass....and swirled around in the wind.....she cowered like a frightened thing when we pulled up at my mums and giggled all the way back when we didn't stay.....she smiled at me from the sofa....even when my neighbour (who keeps overstepping boundaries) came round to ask me out....my hands have never shaked so much as I told him loudly and clearly, NO and that 5 pages of intimate poetry was inappropriate and I didnt want it or a meal or a relationship....he looked a bit concerned as I realised how shakey he'd made me.......but if anyones reading this, i hope you trust me to know...he is very strange and its creeping me out...I didn't ask or encourage for poetry and I was only ever 'polite'...but I hate how hes made me feel....but my inner child sat on the sofa and smiled at me and wiggled her feet...
I could only look at her and wonder.......and then I realised her giggles and smiles...are because i've NOTICED HER...for the first time ever....I see her smile....I see her eyes so hopeful and totally trusting in me.....I feel her joy and her very basic needs....and things become so clear.
I become clear of guilt...to my mother...neighbour.....
she just watches....and knows she's the only thing that matters for the very first time.
she smiled as she watched my ex come and visit...to help with the neighbour issue...she watched as he looked gorgous....but didnt pay for the pizza delivery...didnt offer reassurance just read the poetry....watched the film, ate the pizza....she giggled at the costumes on the film......she watched me hug my ex too tightly at the end...and close the door and wish he could just be there for me....and she smiled because she knows now that we've found eachother...we don't need him..or anyone....
I'm worried I sound a little crazy....but I could never ever see the 6 year old me...and I've founf her...she's thin and tanned...cute eyes...they kinda sparkle and she has so much faith in me........and everything I've got...she's delighted.....my old sofa...old tv....she smiles and smiles.....
wonder if she'll be there in the morning?
Replies
I hope that she\'s always there for you from now on xx
\"as I told him loudly and clearly, NO and that 5 pages of intimate poetry was inappropriate and I didnt want it or a meal or a relationship...\"
BRAVO! HIGH FIVE TO YOU !! AND FOR PROTECTING YOUR INNER CHILD FROM THAT BIG, BAD, CREEPY WOLF! (and no way did you invite his advances -- we know he\'s a bizarro, creep-o.... so don\'t read into how your hands shook... Look at How You Held Your Ground, Sister! Way to Go!)
As to your inner child -- I started to understand what I need to do.... Every time I find myself doubting my sanity, or feeling hurt by my family, I need to look at that little pouting hurt girl and tell her I\'m going to protect her. And then, I need to stand up for her, since she has no voice (because she\'s too little) and stand up to those people. Maybe even stand up to them with a calm smile on my face as I, too, hold my ground on her behalf.
Even if my hands shake.
Maybe next time you won\'t need the Ex to \"rescue you\" -- because you can rescue yourself. And enjoy your pizza ... more for you and for your inner child ;)
((HUGS))
Thank you xxxx
Thank you. I am learning a lot by being here :)