exhausted

exhausted is exactly it these days!!!! the sentencing hearing for my dad is march 3 this has been a nightmare i cant wake from none of us can who are victims of this shit. i have made up a victim impact statement to read to the court my advocate has been a god send these last 2 1/2 years the wheels of justice move at a damn snail pace actually a snail would have been faster my family and i do not talk hardly ever they want to ignore this i think it is too hard for them to wrap their heads around if we ignore it then it goes away type thing i want the love and support of my family and they cant handle it even those who were victimized by someone else cousins by fathers cousins by uncles who else knows what kind of sick shit has gone on in my family.      this feb 15 will mark another year without my mom who died in 2001 never got over it! she never was truly there she was abused so bad as i was growing up that she had to "shut off" her emotions her and i just started to have a close mother daughter bond months before she died that is what kills me i finally was getting what i had only dreamt of then poof how come it is always this way just when i find someone to let into my heart that i love dearly it gets ripped from me. sometimes i swear fate hates me... so another year of crippling pain when this day comes near... i am sure her side of the family blames me for her death if i had not tried to overdose the 13th her boyfriend would have never driven the semi in montana during the ground blizzard that shut the roads down so i have not talked to them alot since her death FATE HATES ME!!!! i am just not meant to be happy i guess but i will survive that is all i have done through my life survived one thing after another this time with my dad though i am doing what i can to keep this from happening to another he did the same to his own niece when he was younger. the only thing i know for sure is this...i can be knocked down but i will never stop getting back up and fighting another round of whatever is next i just hope i can try to heal from this for another couple of years before the next trauma hits my life....on a very good note i got to see my cats last weekend the x-husband is letting me visit every saturday i spend the night sleep on the couch and get to see my furry "kids" i am still their mama they cry for me if i do not visit he knows it is theraputical for me and them and he will not take that from me or them and if they want to go outside on their harnesses and leads in the winter i get to do the honors i WAS the brilliant mind who decided to teach them to go on the harness or they did not get to go out.....my babies are WAY too smart they know how out is spelled and other words as well..... i truly believe they were both humans in a previous life well im gonna end this on that happy note and bid all a good night keep your spirits up everyone i will try and do the same over the next few days ---easier said than done i know