Dear matt,

i feel like crap today. i just want you here to make it all better. im starting to wonder if this is all worth it. is it going to be better when you get back? or is it going to be crappy like it was before you left? am i wasting my time waiting for you? i want us to work but im not sure its worth me feeling like shit every day for the next 3 months! i love you and i want it to work but today iim scared it wont. i need you and your not here and its so hard. i hate crying on the phone with my best friend b/c i hate her having to deal with me and hear me like this. i dont know how much longer i can feel like this everyday. its so hard without you but at the same time it was so hard to be with you for those few weeks before you left. it was so stressful and everything and i just want to know that everything will be as great as the first time we kissed or the first time you came to my house or the first time you said i love you. i want to know in my heart that you are "the one" like i used to know but now i dont know what i want. im so confused and i just want you to make it all better but you cant and letters dont travel fast enough. im trying to keep it together and trying to stay busy and trying to be happy (or at least pretend) but its not working. everything i do reminds me of you. i dont know how to end this letter but just know that i love you and im trying.

im not going to send this to matt but i just needed to get it all off my chest. this would upset matt and i know he doesnt need extra stress added to his day. so thats why i put it in my journal. i figured that way he wouldnt have to see it but i could feel better.