It's Been a While.....

Well, it's just another day.... sadly I don't feel happy... or anything really.... all I can feel is a numb like feeling inside of me followed by a deep pain.... it's from both my PTSD and my depression.... my girlfriend is one of the only reasons I still try.... sitting in class feels pointless... I sit here and they tell me to do work but they have no clue how hard it is to work when you have no motivation to do anything and when it feels like there is no point in you doing anything because nothing you do will change the way you feel.... that's how I feel right now.... I wish I knew a reason why I feel the way I do but the sad and abrupt truth is I don't..... I just sit here in an endless pool of darkness, regret, pain, and suffering.... a part of me wishes I just didn't exist..... yet when I think of killing myself I picture how hurt my girlfriend would become and then I start to feel horrible..... it feels like no one understands this pain or even 1% of what I'm going through..... For example; teachers expect me to do my school work like everyone else and sure they want me to succeed but it's really hard when all of life's bullshit holds you down..... Everyday seems to be a constant struggle with both my feelings (how I feel, how I should feel) and my identity in general..... I know I'm someone, I have a name, a personality, some friends, etc.... but I continue to feel like I'm no one, like I don't have an identity..... After my childhood and all the trauma I had to go through, it feels like those incidents and more have taken away my real identity and left me broken, in the state of nothingness.... Like I'm a shell of the person I used to be..... It's a constant struggle to find out who I really am and every time I get close it seems that the truth just keeps moving further away..... It's also been a while since I have felt truly happy, sure I feel happy when I'm with my girlfriend but other than that I don't feel truly happy..... I couldn't explain why and I wish I knew a way to fix the hurt and pain inside me but I haven't found a way as of yet..... I have however managed to find a few people I enjoy being around. They mean a lot to me and always know how to make me smile and laugh, I just wish I didn't have to go to school and could instead spend time hanging out with them... I wish this semester wasn't so boring.... I have my favourite 2 subjects in the morning which are Art and then Media Arts... but the afternoon is really boring because I have hospitality which is barely any cooking and more focusing on computer work, and then English where we constantly write paragraphs.... I can't wait for next semester. I have gym, spare (no class) Lunch and then another spare (no class) then drama. I might switch around this year so I can get rid of hospitality and instead use a spare here and so forth, although I'm not completely sure yet. Well anyway, it's been yet another long day and might as well try to do some work..... Hopefully I can convince myself to do it.....