Well, Christmas is over. The New Year has begun, and I am back in my same old rut again. I have refered to my life for years as "stagnate water". Nothing moving. Just old water collecting algae. I had a good Christmas. Thank The Lord that my sister came and helped me get to Savannah so I didn't have to drive it alone. I did enjoy myself. But, then I got home. The lonliness hit me. Maybe it's wrong for me to say it, but I hate my life and I hate myself. Other people would say that it's wrong to say that because if God loves me, then I am wrong in hating myself. I am doubting whether God even loves me. I think he's gone from me. I pray for answers. I pray that He will show me what it is I'm missing. I pray that He will give me the strength I need to help myself so that my life is worth living. I pray that He will open my ears so I can hear his answers. I pray for His help everyday. Nothing. I get no anwers. I am not living. I am so unhappy. I cannot stand the thought of living the rest of my life this way. People that I thought were friends, I have found that they aren't friends. I've found that their friendship was no more than an act of charity to the poor lonely person that is me. And, I've found that some people will love you if you buy them things, give them money, give them rides. But, when I am in need, I don't dare pick up the phone and call anyone. I've turned 35. I have no husband. I have really no boyfriend. I still talk to Grigory, but I think that if no man in America wants me after I've been around for 35 years, then why would any man want me. Anywhere in the world. I feel that there is something that repells people away from me. And, I am so sad. I sit and smoke and drink coffee. I've come home from spending Christams with my sister, her boyfriend and my neice. There were other people in the house. People talking and life going on. I've come home to my quiet, sad existence. I know it's kind of pathetic, but sometimes I will hear the gate open and kind of wait to see if maybe someone has come to my door, maybe on of the people I thought were my friends, just coming to say "Hello". I wait for the knock on my door, but it doesn't come. Then, I realize that it was someone opening the gate of the house next door. I feel like I just want to go home. My home isn't here. I don't know how to help myself. I am so tired and sad, and lonely. I just don't know what to do. My life has been like this for so long. I don't know how to help myself, and The Lord just seems to not answer my prayers.