I'm feeling just not like myself. I know that I feel that way alot, but sometimes the anxiety takes on different forms. Sometimes I worry that even though my diagnosis is depression, anxiety, and OCD, that I really have something way worse. I feel sometimes like I have something that no one in the world has ever had. I feel like I am different from everyone. I feel like no matter how many times I see my psychiatrist, take medicines, see a therapist, or counselor, or psychologist, that I will never get better. I am losing hope. I have glimmers of hope, and then they quickly go away. I'm ashamed of my life. I'm ashamed that I don't work. I'm ashamed that I accomplish nothing. I feel so unimportant. I just sit, and smoke and just kind of languish in my unhappiness. I slept all day today. I finally just couldn't sleep anymore, and made an effort to clean my house. I'ts still a mess, but at least the dishes are washed, bars and table wiped off, and the cat's litter box is clean. I feel really bad. I just feel like giving up. I can't stand to think that the rest of my life will be this way. And the man in Russia, whom I'm in love with? I'm asking The Lord for His will to be done in our relationship. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am so lonely. But, the closer the time comes for us to meet, the more worried I get. What if I have a Panic Attack? What if he doesn't like me? What if I wind up getting hurt? I get so scared. Also, I get scared sometimes, just realizing that I'm alone. I'm already dreading the Holidays. I am praying everday, but I feel like The Lord is unhappy with me, because I'm not accomplishing anything. I feel like He won't answer my prayers because I'm so lazy and sorry and just nothing. I would do more with my life, if I just had the strength to do something more. I pray for strength, and I wake up just as tired as I always am. I'm feeling very bad right now.