Christmas is over. Now it's only the new year that lies ahead. That is why I started making Colleen's "wall of rememberance" yesterday. I want to enlarge her memory, to take it all with me into the new year.
The first 4 months after Colleen's passing, I was numb. No feelings at all. Since December started, I've been crying everyday. At the moment I'm still crying, but I also get very angry at small things. I'm crying and fighting. And through it all, I also just don't care!! And I'm deeply tired. Then the crying starts all over again. I don't want to be part of "life goes on"!!! I want to be in my own small bubble, and just slowly disappear! I try to focus on my living children and grandchildren, but somehow I just don't fit into their worlds.
I painted a beautiful pink heart for Colleen, and in it I wrote "Colleen, I love you forever". Then someone mounted it on a big, flat granite stone for me. I put it on Colleen's grave, it is her Christmas gift!!
I just cannot upload any photo's on my DS site. Don't know why. Doesn't matter either, I guess.
The first 4 months after Colleen's passing, I was numb. No feelings at all. Since December started, I've been crying everyday. At the moment I'm still crying, but I also get very angry at small things. I'm crying and fighting. And through it all, I also just don't care!! And I'm deeply tired. Then the crying starts all over again. I don't want to be part of "life goes on"!!! I want to be in my own small bubble, and just slowly disappear! I try to focus on my living children and grandchildren, but somehow I just don't fit into their worlds.
I painted a beautiful pink heart for Colleen, and in it I wrote "Colleen, I love you forever". Then someone mounted it on a big, flat granite stone for me. I put it on Colleen's grave, it is her Christmas gift!!
I just cannot upload any photo's on my DS site. Don't know why. Doesn't matter either, I guess.
Replies
I saw it on Facebook. I think you might be able to put your cursor over the picture on FB, right click, save it to a jpg file then come here to DS... you have to upload it to your photo page here then you could upload it to your journal for here... I think it would also look lovely as a profile pic for a while... I know what you\'re going through... the ups and the downs... it is hard and I don\'t know anything to say to help... perhaps there is nothing... we just have to survive it... Hugs Elissa
Feeling your heart and sending my love. This is hard and takes SO much energy so cocoon when you need to and only do what feels healing even if you aren\'t sure of what that might be. It\'s okay...
Your remembering Colleen with the various things you are doing sounds lovely and I know is healing and meaningful.
Just this moment and just this day... The blur, the ache, the anger, the numbness, the longing... All of this I understand and it hurts terribly.
Loving care my friend and remembering your Colleen with you. She is sorely missed, I know.
XO Joanie
I would love to see the stone,,, it sounds lovely... love ya!
It\'s been nearly a year since I lost my wife after yrs of caregiving, and I too still sometimes shed some tears for what seems to be no reason. For most of my time now I have moved on with my life, but that doesn\'t mean I have forgotten. I have accepted the knowledge my wife is so much better now and the good Lord wants me to enjoy the life he is providing me for the time being, helping others.
Remember, the good Lord gave you a loving job to do, caring for Colleen. Now the Lord is caring for her, and He wants you to continue with your life on another road. Let your experience with Colleen guide you down that road.
Hugs, Dan
That sounds like a beautiful Christmas gift. Sending lots of hugs your way.