Ugh

It's not about the pain, it's not about the scars... it's about the control. i can control when i bleed and when i dont i can control when i give in to my urges. i'm in charge of my own body. my pain. It's about the blood; seeing that red proof. proof that i'm still alive. that i'm neither as invisible, nor as empty as i feel. its about the memory. the knowledge that i took charge of my problems and did what made it better for me.  i punished myself for all the wrong i've done. it's about a relationsit that i can control; the one between my skin and the blade.