Had a good long cry last night and realized that I am not just grieving for my Mom, but am grieving for a lot of other losses I've had in my life.  In fact, I feel as though loss has defined my life for the last 10 years or so.  I've had good friends move away, lost a beloved cat, watched my partner lose 3 beloved cats in the space of a year, lost a family friend, lost a few job positions, lost a few relationships, and so on.  I am in grief counseling through my local hospice program and they gave me an info sheet on loss and the different types of losses people go through.  I've had a lot of loss to deal with, which probably isn't unusual, but I always was afraid to truly grieve these losses for fear of losing everything I've worked so hard to build.  I am afraid that I'll sink into a deep depression like my mother did and die young like she did.  I don't want that to happen to me but sometimes, like last night, I feel like it's only a matter of time before the illness (bipolar disorder) claims me for its own.The good news is that my bereavement counselor, though new to me, has already made some connections that I myself wasn't able to make and that make a lot of sense to me, which makes me feel like maybe there's a chance that I'll triumph over this disorder.  I have a feeling that the therapist will be able to get to those dark places in the corners of my mind, where fear lives and runs rampant, and can help me do some well-needed deep cleaning.  I want to bring these fears into the light and watch them shrivel and squeal until they become smaller and more manageable. I'm tired of anxiety.I'm tired of fear.I'm tired of guilt.I'm tired of depression.I want OUT of this rut I've been in and want to learn how to go on with my life while still honoring my grief.