I think I had a sign from my mother yesterday.  One would think I'd be happy about it but I am so angry with her!  But in anticipation of the anger subsiding and appreciation of this sign, I'll write about it today so I don't forget. I took a movie called The Ultimate Gift out of the library on Friday and my partner and I watched it yesterday.  Oh, what a tearjerker!  Oh, what a great movie!  I had a good, long cry about my mother and how much I miss her.The thing about the sign is: I visited my mother's grave for the first time several weeks ago.  Intellectually, I knew that the grave wasn't marked yet but it didn't hit me emotionally until I stood there among the sea of new graves, not knowing which was hers.  For the first time in my life, I truly understood a fear of open spaces.  The whole experience threatened to overwhelm me until I began to remember minutiae of what Dad had told me about his experiences visiting her grave.  At that  point, I walked a few minutes further until I came to what I thought was her grave.  Then I began to cry and curse. I asked her what the hell she was doing there.  I told her school was starting soon and asked her what about those kids she befriended while doing her volunteer Teacher Aide stint??  How will they feel, now that their beloved Mrs. K was gone?  What about her Hospice patients?  What about us?  Weren't we enough to sustain her?????  How dare she die on us, leaving us holding the bag and trying to figure out the many mysteries of her death!Amidst this angst, I demanded that she send a sign, a butterfly, dammit!  Then I really lost it, weeping as I've never wept before.  In life, I had to pussyfoot around her with conversation, since she would twist anything difficult that people said to her until the meaning nearly became lost.  Only after her death have I been able to voice to her, and loudly so, the difficult things. Some time later, a white moth fluttered on top of the sparsely grassed dirt on her grave.  Then, when I was in my car leaving the cemetery, an actual butterfly nearly crashed itself into my windshield.  Last week, a monarch butterfly followed us around the water park.  And yesterday, in that movie, there was a butterfly appearing as a sign to the main characters.The spiritual among you are probably ready to smack me upside the head and tell me, "DUH!  These are all signs."  But I struggle with spirituality and wonder if they are signs or mere coincidences.  Why would I see such a peaceful icon and then go to sleep, only to have disturbing dreams where my mother has lost her marbles completely and is absolutely not at peace??