Less stress.
It seems odd to me and I feel a bit guilty that with my mother's death things are less stressful. It wasn't her so much that caused me the stress before. But I guess it was her illness and not holding the family together but still being around that was causing others so much stress which was then transmitted towards me.
The rest of the family, my sister, brother and father are dealing with their grief in their own way. My sister seems to mainly miss her around but she was already doing that but I think she held hopes that my mother would get better and return home. It is anybodies guess how my father is dealing with it. It may be he doesn't much think about it or remember it until reminded with his Alzheimer's. the caretakers at the home say that he does remember it and mentions it once in a while but doesn't seem to be dwelling on it. I think he saw it coming and is now thinking more on his own upcoming passing.
I can't even guess how my brother is dealing. He has sniffled and cried at times in my and other's presence. But I don't know what he does when he is alone.
I'm not grieving at all for my mother. She is in the best of places. I'm glad she is out of pain and believe she is in the afterlife in the presence of God, happy, peaceful and loved. But I do wonder at times if I am doing what she would want me to do. so far I have done as she told me when alive. But I will have to make some decisoins in the future without her. I pray I do as she would want. Her only thing she asked of me was to take care of my sister. I hope she didn't mean that I was to move in with her and be her mother because I cna't do that. But I think she understood that and didn't expect it of me but meant only to make sure she was alright and was not taken advantage of or treated wrongly. That I can do.
I'm pretty much trying to distance myself and write off my brother. It has been a task because he is so irresponsable and needy but I'm phasing him out of my life as much as I can.
Financially I haven't any real worries though I'm not sure how it wil come down when I have to renew my apratment contract and with food stamps. I don't have any employment but am living off the rent form my father's rental property and taking care of his finances. Maybe that is a job, I'm not sure. We will see when I have to do it.
but I'm staying at my own home now, sleeping there and trying to find things to occupy my time. I plan to visit my siter often, go over and watch TV or have dinner. I plan to stay Saturday nights there and go to church the next morning with her as well, for as long as it is possible, which may be for as long as I am physicaly able.
I do not plan to visit my father very often. I take him to his doctor appointments and have to go pay his monthly rent at the home. I also wil take my sister to see him at least once a week. Other than that I dont' expect to visit. He is too upsetting to me. He doesn't seem happy to see me. It isn't that he is nto wanting to see me but he doen'st seem to gain any happiness form it, just reminders of other things that seem to make him sad. I think I am forever going to be associated with the night he found out his wife died. All hs seems to talk about with me is money and mom being dead or questions relating to them. It is a bummer and one of the only things that makes me sad about my mother passing.
The other thing that saddens me is how my sister and brother either cry or talk about my mother and how they miss her or something about her. I am not sure but this kind of conversation or talk brings me down and irritates me. It isn't the talk of soemthing she did that was good or talking about how she was a great mother its the talk of missing her and shat she wanted me to do or something she said that I know nothing about or about how she died.
I dont' care about how she died but about how she had lived. I care about the lasting influsnces she had on us and raised us not what you may have talked about with her and how I should now live up to it. Usually this is about how I'm supposed to do something for them. It bugs the heck out of me.
Im trying to be patient and let them grieve in their own way but I do not want to deal with them using mom's death as a means to influence me or guilt me into doing something that I either disagree with or think is wrong.
I can be ahard ass and stubborn when I wnat to be. And as I have said before I'm alittle cold. I understand it is a coping measure but it is how I am.