(*&^)(*&%(*&^$&^%#^*%)*&
I'm such a freaking idiot!
The talk recently of keeping of 'evidence' . Yeah I kept crap.
Copies of the emails I found, the cards she sent him, he voluntarily showed me, after the initial lie he told about destroying them when he received them. He thought I threw them away. Yeah well, I pulled them back out of trash when he wasn't looking. Yes I know, he could have left that lie that he threw them away, he didn't have to come clean and give them to me 2 days later,,guess what? Today I don't fucking care. They are part of the stash now. Copy of photo she sent to him via email.
Also copies of email she sent me after dday.
So brilliant f'in person that I am, I just had to look at it all today. 12 weeks after dday.
Saw things I missed or forgot the first time. Made myself sick. Literally puking my guts up. I want to scream and hit and kick. And throw things, I want to throw things. Like all his shit out on the lawn............................
grrrrrrrrrrr I want to swear
a lot
The talk recently of keeping of 'evidence' . Yeah I kept crap.
Copies of the emails I found, the cards she sent him, he voluntarily showed me, after the initial lie he told about destroying them when he received them. He thought I threw them away. Yeah well, I pulled them back out of trash when he wasn't looking. Yes I know, he could have left that lie that he threw them away, he didn't have to come clean and give them to me 2 days later,,guess what? Today I don't fucking care. They are part of the stash now. Copy of photo she sent to him via email.
Also copies of email she sent me after dday.
So brilliant f'in person that I am, I just had to look at it all today. 12 weeks after dday.
Saw things I missed or forgot the first time. Made myself sick. Literally puking my guts up. I want to scream and hit and kick. And throw things, I want to throw things. Like all his shit out on the lawn............................
grrrrrrrrrrr I want to swear
a lot
Replies
Hugs to you Kansasgirl. I truly hate it for you. I can literally feel your pain in my stomach right now just reading your entry. There\'s always something new. And a whole new set of triggers.
I set let it out on his ass! I told my MC that it\'s not fair that we have to bear all this, and maybe it sounds spiteful, but to me it\'s just fair that they have to share our pain.
Then do something nice and indulgent for yourself. Jewelry, maybe?
Then try to find your way back onto the track that you were on. Tomorrow. Today you\'re allowed to feel shitty. (But I\'m so sorry that you do.)
I hope to read \"week 13 and everyone is still breathing.\" I don\'t see your mugshot in the newspaper. ;)
Well, I bet you ask all of us 1-2 years out and we will tell you....we all did it.
So here is what you do. You gather your stash. You put it in an envelope. You copy the electronic stuff to a CD. Don\'t read it, just copy it. And you take it to your bank and get a safety deposit box. About $50 per year rental in most places. And you put it in there and take home a key.
Thanks New :)
oh likuhfokujhsdlkuhvwyvhwisuoaihphprhnI just want to scream !!!! ugh diarhea of the mouth !
Sorry girls.....................
I don\'t really want to kick my h out. I really do want to spend the rest of my life with him. He is doing the right things. I am just PISSED right now.
grrrrrr
oh and I\'m thinking pms helps nothing.
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Stay strong! do what Lotus said! Sending lots of support and hugs! It will get better!
Whoa! Yep, you\'ve got every right to feel this way. I\'d say that for me, three months out was a time I dipped back into a secondary foul mood. And it being so recent for me, I remember the terrible &):(_#=/+)(_ words, too. You could\'ve written my journal for me in the exact same spirit! Geez, hang in there. And don\'t look at that crap if you can help it. Do like Lotus said, you\'ll still have that stuff, but it will be more of an effort to pull it out.
Hang in there and listen to Lotus. 2+ out and I did the same thing and know exactly how you feel. That\'s why I had to get rid of everything. I told H to delete everything off of computer and it was tough because he worked with OW and so there were legit work emails. He thought he got rid of everything and last Feb. he was out and I checked computer and found a somewhat innocent email that was work related but then had a miss you comment that made me sick to my stomach (still does typing it) anyway, that set the ball rolling because I thought he got rid of everything. We had a plant that OW gave the office and finally threw it out 4 months ago because everytime I looked at it I thought of her but I felt bad killing it so my H threw it out. Actually sat in our garage for a month, I complained, so he said he\'d throw it in the garbage the following week. Sad to say he threw it in his trunk so I didn\'t have to look at it and guess what he forgot it was in there until Christmas when we were putting some things in the trunk. Needless to say I flipped because I thought he was holding onto it and that he lied about throwing it out. It\'s only now that I can understand what he did and can understand that he wasn\'t saving the plant, he just forgot about it.
Anyway, hang in there it really does get better.
We sure know how to torture ourselves don\'t we? I threw the shit out, but I tortured myself way too long doing the internet searches and checking her latest ugly pic on FB. I guess a part of me wanted to find something to make me understand what he saw in her and another part of me was hoping she blogged or posted somewhere about it so I could get more details about the A. On the first part...still don\'t get why he risked everything for her. She\'s ugly trash. On the second part, the most I saw that gave any insight was that she most likely really was bipolar, because she posted about being depressed and suicidal for all the world to see. However, she NEVER even hints at the A or even knowing E at all. She doesn\'t talk about that part of her life at all anywhere. She acts as if she\'s a perfect little Christian, God fearing woman. HAH!!!!! Ok, what the hell is my point???? My point is that no matter how many times we look at the \"evidence\" or search the bitches on the internet, we will NEVER understand how and why this happened. Nothing will ever make it make sense. We need to stop torturing ourselves!!!!! This too shall pass! Hugs.
Hang in there Kansas, rough days like that suck, don\'t we all know it. :( Sometimes I think we hang onto stuff like that to remind ourselves that it was real and not some crazy nightmare in our imaginations. This, too, shall pass. It will get better.
I feel some what responsible for your post KG after sharing what I did with you yesterday. . I\'m so sorry you\'re going through this. Like the others - we have a tendency to torture ourselves with this shit that weighs us down. We can\'t breath - yet we feel like we have to hold on to it. For what? 19 months out and it took me till today to burn that damn calendar page. The fact that my H still works with TOW doesn\'t help. I admit, I wish she had a FB page - Id be checking her ugly face out, possible sending her a message - maybe even posting on her page directly for all to see. But I have nothing. I\'ve shared my frustrations about this before - she\'s \"untouchable\". Can\'t go to H\'s work because it\'s a secured area - no one - save the president - is allowed to enter the building without security clearance. I bet they would love it if I requested it based on the fact that I wanted to see who was fucking my H. Yeah - that will get me in. I do have her home address - I guess I could go that route. But, there\'s a part of me that is somewhat thankful that I dont have to see her ugly pathetic face.
Back to you: Less than 3 months out. You\'re \"allowed\" to have these outbursts as often as it comes. Don\'t feel like your back sliding - far from it - you\'re living in hell right now and there isn\'t anything pleasant about it. So allow yourself these days. And your H better make damn sure he\'s right there seeing the pain that he\'s caused you - it\'s not the time for him to hide or say I don\'t know what I can say or do\". He just needs to be there to witness his own destruction of your marriage. From what you\'ve said - he has.
Big hugs going out to you! Love ya!
Ha, Destined, I was sort of thinking the same thing, that comments I made yesterday could have influenced this. As I\'m going through a bit of a down time myself.
But this is to be expected from time to time, especially when you look back. I\'m only glad that the confession chat log I recorded on dday I deleted after I read it. I guess if I ever needed it for evidence, I\'d been unhappy with myself, but I didn\'t have the temptation to go back and read it all again and again either, and keep it fresh in my mind the whole feelings when I was hit by a bullet train out of nowhere.
Deal with it in your own way. Support heading your way.
I agree, copy it to a disc or jump drive and lock it up somewhere that you don\'t have every day access to it. Keeping the stuff close by to where it can be viewed over and over again is like leaving a bottle of pills open with a toddler or a fifth of Jack around an alcoholic. I know it became almost an epidemic for me to want to search for things she was up to or look at all of the \"evidence\" I had gathered or been sent and the need to look at it all the time. And for what purpose did that serve? I knew what I had, I knew what she did and it only made me either ready to tear her head off or want to puke. I never did much constructive with all that emotion. Once the divorce was over, I gathered everything I had and had myself a nice, cleansing bonfire in the fire pit and had a couple of beers while I \"burned\" my past.
Hang in there and be proactive on this. The longer you leave the stuff where it can be accessed, the more you\'ll be tempted to look at it.
Take care of yourself!
Sorry Kansas. If you really feel you need to keep that stuff as evidence, do as was suggested earlier and put it in a safety deposit box. (I keep my stuff in a locked drawer at work).
You\'re only 12 weeks out so there will be some ups and downs but I promise it will get better. Things will still find their way to annoy you but the length of time you stay annoyed and upset gets less and less.
Sending you support!
Okay, I am going to add my 2 cents here. Smile! Keep it if you need it right now. There will be a time you either toss it, use it, or burn it. You\'ll know what you need to do when the time comes. Right now, you are still raw and if you want to cuss and rant and rave we are here for you! Everyone heals about the same way and it takes time. Deal with what you can for now, then when you are ready you can deal with a little more. Proud of you for keeping yourself strong through all this heartache.
Thanks everyone.