Why

Why can't I just feel better? I want to feel that bubble that is in your chest right before you laugh, or that stetch on your face when you smile. I have not felt it for so long and it is all I want. The only time I am ever near to being happy is when I actually cut, sometimes when I do cut I laugh, becuase it hurts so bad but at the same time it is the greatest feeling ni the world. It is like this release that you can't get drom anythign else. But I want it all to stop. Will it ever stop?