Confused

Now that I am aware that I have these codependency issues I am looking at every relationship I have ever been in. I realize that in all these relationships I never really felt any sense of calmness. I was always on edge of loosing the person I was with and could never truly appreciate being happy and in the moment. I was always coming up with ways to make sure that relationship didn't end. My mood for the past several years has directly been correlated to how things with the person I was seeing was going. If the relationship was going well, I was a wonderful person to be around. I was a good daughter and an excellent friend. I would call my mom ask how she was doing, take her out to dinner and do special things for her. When my relationship was going bad, I wouldn't answer calls from my parents wasn't even there for a surgery my mom had because I couldn't be "bothered" I was too "devastated." WOW how selfish iv been!!! I have treated everyone in my life solely based on how any man at the time I was seeing treated me. I have missed my sisters graduation, cousins baby showers and even some very close friends wedding all because of this. My mother made a comment to me a while back saying she felt at times I was two very different people. At times happy, bubbly, kind, warm and a joy to be around and at other times angry, cruel , mean , and hurtful. I have hurt so many people in my life because of a man who used the hell out of me. Today I feel angry. This anger is really directed at myself. I am having such a hard time understanding why I have done the things I have done. I was in such denial for so long. I guess I am so aware of my behavior and all of the things I have taken part in. I have blamed him for my life but the blame should be directed at myself. Nobody can treat you badly without your permission. I need to do a lot of soul searching tonight and truly ask myself what is it I want for the future. WHO do you want to be??? WHAT type of relationship do you want? WHY are you willing to settle ?? WHY do you feel you are not worth it? These are things I am on a mission to figure out