I feel like I don't really know who I am any more.  I have become so isolated, I don't see anyone, I always pass up on invitations to go out socialising with anyone however much I would like to.  I have lost touch with all of my friends, a rather gradual process over the years, now I have one left and I think I have blown that too.I feel like there is a brick wall between me and my husband, in fact, I am sure I put it there.  I am not sure how I feel about him anymore.  He is actually an exceptionally nice guy and a really great dad, but I just don't know.  After nearly 8 years of being together I struggle to recall when I have been truely happy.  I can think of many reasons why, maybe it's just general probs we've had and it isn't really 'us', but even in good patches, I am not particulalry happy either so arrrrgh I just don't know.   Maybe that is how I will feel wherever I go and whomever I am with.  Perhaps that's why I have been keeping people at arms reach, that way they are spared from being let down.  I do try real hard to be a really good friend and people have said how 'lovely' and 'fun' I am, but I can't keep up what feels like a pretence of being a positive, happy-go-lucky, confident woman.  Then with some excuse or without saying anything at all I retract. I'll be hiding at home ignoring the phone and if I do see them again I make up some excuse.  This makes me feel even worse, I feel guilty for being a liar.  I am a fraud, why do I hide the way I feel? Hey everyone, I am depressed okay, I am not perfect, is that okay, no, then fuck off!  Perhaps that is what I should be doing!I have two gorgeous, clever children and they are my saviour, the loves of my life.  If I did not have them, then I would be hard pressed to find a good reason to live.  They are how I know I am alive, because I often have this really curious feeling that I am not really 'here' at all, god I don't even know if that makes sense!  The last year of my masters degree that I have amazingly just completed is just a complete and utter blur.  I read back over my work, and I barely recognise it, I have been on auto-pilot.  The light was on, but nobody really was home I guess!