My Life
So...the "basement dweller" is back and already, just his mere presence is causing a rift between dh and me. (The basement dweller is SS23 who did rehab again and of course daddy let him come back to live until he gets "back on his feet".) Of course I hope and pray SS23 gets his s*** together and stays clean this time, but what I've seen of this kid the last 5 years, I have serious doubts he will EVER stay clean for long. Mentally, I just don't believe he has what it takes. Dh divorced his ex due to mental illness and this kid must be her in spades. Alcohol and drug addictions plus no drive and no ambition...ugh. I just prefer not to be around him...period. Dh even said when he crashed and burned again back in March, that HE didn't want him at our house either, but, oh...once dh saw a glimmer of hope...that SS23 was "serious" this time, he allowed him back. Fine...it's been 60 days he's stayed clean, but wow...was I livid at dh last week when I found out from SS23 that he WASN'T making the weekly call to the halfway house as dh said he'd make him and that he'd be out by early June. I KNOW dh just told me what I wanted to hear, but to then learn from his son that he had lied. I didn't speak to him for 3 days. Dh wants to keep him "safe" while he works on his sobriety...meaning living in our basement, eating our food, dh having to give him rides since he doesn't have a car (or anything else for that matter). It all makes me want to run away. When I married dh 5 years ago, I figured SS23 was just going through a teen rebellious stage. I had NO idea we'd still be dealing with this 5 years later. What galls me even more than his addictions is his lack of drive....his lack to want MORE and DO more with his life and not be a burden. And when he walks by me wreaking of cigarettes, I want to throw up...especially knowing dh has bought them!
So, dh and I "had it out" and he said as long as SS23 is doing well in his sobriety (yes, he has been attending AA faithfully, has a sponsor and is seeing a therapist) that he can live with us, regardless of my feelings. I just don't see why he can't live in the halfway house. He's an adult for crying out loud, not a child! Because he's staying sober, dh seems to be coddling him and expects me to do the same. Yea...don't think so. He's an adult child living in MY house due to his poor choices in life and will follow at least some of my rules. He's been doing ok, but I miss dh's and my privacy and the peace we had the last 2 years while he was out of the house. BUT, if I get even a little grumbly and say anything negative about SS23, dh threatens me with divorce. It's like how quickly he forgets all the bad stuff his son has done. I haven't and I told dh just last night that it still makes me angry that he's back in our house because of what he's done, not to mention all he's put us through the last 6 years. I disengaged 2 years ago from SS23 and was at peace, but now...he's right back in my home and in my face and I hate it. I'm civil and treat him nicely, but what the damage he's done and continues to do in my marriage makes me really resent him. Only knowing that dh told him this is THE LAST TIME he's helping him is helping me get through it. And I know my dh...when he's done, he's done and, although he's coddling him, I know he won't help him again. He asked ME this time what he should do when his son was homeless and needed help. Had I told him to take him to a homeless shelter, he probably would have. But, I saw my own children's faces and knew I couldn't do that to them, so allowed him back in our house. But, the bottom line is that he DOES have someplace else to live (the halfway house), but dh is letting him stay in our beautiful condo with all the luxuries SS23 will most likely never have and I can tell already SS23 is getting by far too comfortable.
I hate having no say in my own home when it comes to this. God give me strength!
So, dh and I "had it out" and he said as long as SS23 is doing well in his sobriety (yes, he has been attending AA faithfully, has a sponsor and is seeing a therapist) that he can live with us, regardless of my feelings. I just don't see why he can't live in the halfway house. He's an adult for crying out loud, not a child! Because he's staying sober, dh seems to be coddling him and expects me to do the same. Yea...don't think so. He's an adult child living in MY house due to his poor choices in life and will follow at least some of my rules. He's been doing ok, but I miss dh's and my privacy and the peace we had the last 2 years while he was out of the house. BUT, if I get even a little grumbly and say anything negative about SS23, dh threatens me with divorce. It's like how quickly he forgets all the bad stuff his son has done. I haven't and I told dh just last night that it still makes me angry that he's back in our house because of what he's done, not to mention all he's put us through the last 6 years. I disengaged 2 years ago from SS23 and was at peace, but now...he's right back in my home and in my face and I hate it. I'm civil and treat him nicely, but what the damage he's done and continues to do in my marriage makes me really resent him. Only knowing that dh told him this is THE LAST TIME he's helping him is helping me get through it. And I know my dh...when he's done, he's done and, although he's coddling him, I know he won't help him again. He asked ME this time what he should do when his son was homeless and needed help. Had I told him to take him to a homeless shelter, he probably would have. But, I saw my own children's faces and knew I couldn't do that to them, so allowed him back in our house. But, the bottom line is that he DOES have someplace else to live (the halfway house), but dh is letting him stay in our beautiful condo with all the luxuries SS23 will most likely never have and I can tell already SS23 is getting by far too comfortable.
I hate having no say in my own home when it comes to this. God give me strength!
Replies
So hard.... I can\'t imagine trying to find that line between enablement and feeling my son is in a safe place, much less living there, and obviously there is a lot of co-dependency in their past.
To see the man you love go through this has to be almost as hard as having an unpredictable, deadbeat, moocher, eating you out of house and home, making your life miserable. And you can\'t do anything but what you\'ve been doing, because he\'s not your son.
Worse yet, to be threatened with divorce by your husband when you, understandably, share some of your feelings with him. Not at all sure how I could deal with that. I didn\'t hear the word divorce spoken out loud until my wasband asked for it. We talked about it in our therapy and recovery work, but never as an actuality, as a viable option.
You\'ve got so much to deal with. I hope sharing here helps you find some comfort and peace. Keep on breathing, praying and sharing in safe ways. Take care of yourself, and I hope your husband and stepson both find a healthy way forward.
Thanks, MNMama. You are so wise and compassionate. Everyone here at DS is lucky to have you!
Co-dependency...absolutely. I thank God every day I have a job to go to and get away from it all, but now...weekends are hard.
I, too, never heard the word divorce in my first marriage until the day my ex decided our marriage was over. Dh throws it around loosely and always has. I hate it, but I know him and never take him seriously. He\'s had the opportunity to \"end it\" more times than I can count and hasn\'t yet, so not worried. I admit...I even dream about living alone sometimes...away from the drama of SS23, but know I\'d miss dh and he me. For all the fighting we do, \"we\" are still worth it.
Thanks again for your kind words. Hope your day is a sunny one! :)