Hurt
So...my birthday was Monday. Not a real big deal, but done most mothers expect to hear from their children? Other mother's get phone calls or beautifully written Facebook posts from their kids, oh, but not mine. I did get a call from DD30 which was great. She is my only married daughter and I attribute the positive changes in her due to the good family she married into. I also got a card from her and her dh. I also got a sweet text from DD24 in he afternoon, so my birthday wasn't all bad.
However, I heard absolutely nothing from my oldest...DD31 and DD28. DD28 is my one noone really hears from anyway, so it doesn't surprise me, yet she and I were texting on Sunday about going out for my birthday to a new wine bar, but when I asked her if she could do it this week, she didn't respond. No word from her since. No Happy Birthday text ON my birthday, nothing. None of us understand why she is the way she is.
But, what hurt me the most was just now I saw that my oldest daughter posted a Happy Birthday on Facebook to her aunt (my XSIL). Really?? She can remember her aunt's birthday and not her mother's?? She and I are also FB friends although I have a feeling my older 2 have blocked me from seeing their posts, but seriously, this is hurtful. And she and DD24 live together, so one would think if one remembered, so would the other.
I have NEVER forgotten my parents' birthdays and anniversary. I feel like somewhere along the line, I did something really wrong in raising my children. They are are so self absorbed...thinking only of themselves. My nieces are by far more thoughtful and sweet than my own daughters. :(
My sister reminded me yesterday how much my daughters are like their father. He even said in marriage counseling that birthdays and anniversaries meant nothing to him. I just can't believe my oldest acknowledged her aun's birthday and not mine and I can't say a thing. I know my sister would like to, but if she did, they'd know I had whined to her about them and would get mad at me.
I wonder how my kids would feel if I forgot THEIR birthdays. I am sure tempted with the 2 I didn't hear from. I bend over backwards to make THEM feel special and loved and this is what I get. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.
However, I heard absolutely nothing from my oldest...DD31 and DD28. DD28 is my one noone really hears from anyway, so it doesn't surprise me, yet she and I were texting on Sunday about going out for my birthday to a new wine bar, but when I asked her if she could do it this week, she didn't respond. No word from her since. No Happy Birthday text ON my birthday, nothing. None of us understand why she is the way she is.
But, what hurt me the most was just now I saw that my oldest daughter posted a Happy Birthday on Facebook to her aunt (my XSIL). Really?? She can remember her aunt's birthday and not her mother's?? She and I are also FB friends although I have a feeling my older 2 have blocked me from seeing their posts, but seriously, this is hurtful. And she and DD24 live together, so one would think if one remembered, so would the other.
I have NEVER forgotten my parents' birthdays and anniversary. I feel like somewhere along the line, I did something really wrong in raising my children. They are are so self absorbed...thinking only of themselves. My nieces are by far more thoughtful and sweet than my own daughters. :(
My sister reminded me yesterday how much my daughters are like their father. He even said in marriage counseling that birthdays and anniversaries meant nothing to him. I just can't believe my oldest acknowledged her aun's birthday and not mine and I can't say a thing. I know my sister would like to, but if she did, they'd know I had whined to her about them and would get mad at me.
I wonder how my kids would feel if I forgot THEIR birthdays. I am sure tempted with the 2 I didn't hear from. I bend over backwards to make THEM feel special and loved and this is what I get. Sometimes I wonder why I bother.
Replies
(((Hugs)))
Sorry dear. I think birthday celebrations for younger people seem to be all about themselves these days. I haven\'t been able to see my 27 year old son for his birthdays since he was 19 and out of the house. I get whatever\'s left for time, or not at all. He celebrates with his friends and merely obliges me, some years.
I did get a call from him the day after my birthday this year, and felt pretty lucky to do so. Want to hear what was funniest? The only call I got ON my birthday was from my wasband. He wished me a happy day (OK, that\'s nice), and then proceeded to inquire about the real reason: he wants to be buried next to our deceased daughter.... whom I am having my cremains buried with. After the initial shock, nothing like a death request on your birthday, I had to stifle what surely would have been maniacal laughter!
Any way, the further into this world I get, the less I try to plan around it and other people. We just can\'t make this crap up sometimes!
I hope you had a good birthday even if you were on your own in some ways. I pray your, I should say, our children, grow into caring, compassionate people thinking of others. I know my son has many wonderful talents and attributes, but, like you, I hope someday I\'ll be a priority instead of an afterthought.
Hugs and a belated Happy Birthday.
Thanks all. Update on this...my sister couldn\'t stand it, so texted DD31 and of course I got the backlash. Instead of DD31 saying how sorry she was, she made excuses and was mad because I had \"sicked\" my family on her. I straightened her out on that one and also let her know that I wouldn\'t have thought much about it had I not seen the post to her aunt. It was the fact she took 2 seconds to wish her aunt a Happy Birthday, but not her mother. Obviously, she didn\'t respond. She has no excuse and will get her birthday card from me a few days late this year and no phone call or text ON the day. My wish is my girls would hurry up and become mothers as my nieces are. They grew up quickly once they became mothers. Personally, I understand I am not a priority in their life and don\'t care about that. I follow the Golden rule...treat others as you want to be treated.
The properr response from my DD31 should have been to thank her aunt for reminding her and apologizing to her mother. My sister didn\'t even get a response. The fact she got angry shows her immaturity. Ugh
Honey, don\'t feel left out. My ONLY daughter hasn\'t acknowledged my birthday, Mother\'s Day or Christmas in years. I try to just accept it, but it always hurts. It\'s evidence pointing to her own self-absorption...nothing I can do to change it. Sending you big squeezy hugs...xoxo
What floors me is that I have NEVER...and I mean NEVER forgotten my parents\' birthdays OR their anniversary. (Of course my daughters could care less when their parents\' anniversaries are now.) As a matter of fact, I just bought my parents an anniversary card for their 60th anniversary which is something I\'m very proud of. In this day and age of divorce, I think it\'s awesome. Mine and dh\'s parents\' marriages have been far from perfect, but they hung in there til death and I commend them for that.
All that you say is completely understandable and entirely appropriate to state -- here. Strategically, though, the faintest, merest, quietest whiff of guilting and chasing or self-pity or blaming is so counterproductive to communicate to an estranged AC, who really lives in a different world. We might as well be advocating using the Pony Express and washing our clothes in a river as to suggest how things once were is how they ought to be. Just a stray thought meant kindly and hoping for the best and many hugs.
Well, I\'ve decided DD31 will get her birthday card late this year and no Happy Birthday call or text. If she doesn\'t care, why should I? I agree, 2GetUp...adult children are self-absorbed and could care less how we \"used\" to do things. However, having nieces as I do who do show love and appreciation is the hard part...for me. Again...it just makes ME feel like I did something horribly wrong, but then I thought of my DD31\'s response and reminded myself once again that she is cut from the very same cloth as her father. I\'m done making the \"big effort\" for people who don\'t appreciate it and that includes my children.
Thanks, starting, and for the record, it was Kathi who offered that they are self-absorbed. It\'s healthier for me not to label, especially since I can\'t get inside their heads and know what\'s going on. But paradoxically, I think the answer for us is to make it our business not to think about what we don\'t have (their attention) and concentrate on our own health and well-being. It\'s hard and takes a lot of concentration -- to find new interests to keep us occupied and give up thinking about them, cutting the time down to the bare minimum that we think about them. In other words, maybe we have to become self-absorbed -- and put our thoughts of others only on those who really want our help and friendship. It takes a lot of concentration. I had to get help but it pays off. But for the record, I wouldn\'t send a Bday message at all. Sending one late looks planned out and sends the same old messages mentioned already, plus revenge. It could be mocked, if you know what I mean. You could just let it go completely and relax on that day -- do something nice for yourself or just be lazy. People who don\'t say HB really don\'t want to hear it from you either -- at least that is my thought. Maybe they feel it\'s all out of obligation and tradition rather than real love. That sounds like what they would think, in my opinion. Whatever, we can\'t know their minds. Just do nothing at all and see what happens down the road, if you see my point. Some people feel crowded these days and want space. The more you signal Anything, the more pushed they feel.