My girl
My DD24 moved to Maui with my oldest in August and I'm still missing her. We would see each other once a week for dinner or Happy Hour and it's still sad for me that she's gone. My older 2 basically left when they were in college and never came back, so I'm used to them not being here. Seeing them during visits or when I go to visit them is the norm. My third one (DD28) lives here, but doesn't make time for her family...her friends and her SO's family are more important. So, it was my youngest that I became accustomed to seeing more often. We would often have Chinese food take-out at my place when dh was out of town or have Happy Hour at my favorite wine bar. I really miss those times.
Dh will be gone Thursday night and it made me think of those fun mother/daughter times. Moving was the best thing for HER and I'm happy FOR her, but, at the same time...I still miss her. :( And, the fact that the only 2 times I've heard from her is when she needed money...well, that kind of hurts, but know that's pretty normal for "kids" in their twenties. I called her over a month ago and she never returned my call. I just do not understand this younger generation who thinks it's ok to not respond when people take the time to reach out to THEM. Even my older 2 (30 and 31) do it. In my generation, it was called "rude and inconsiderate". Now, it seems to be mainstream.
Dh will be gone Thursday night and it made me think of those fun mother/daughter times. Moving was the best thing for HER and I'm happy FOR her, but, at the same time...I still miss her. :( And, the fact that the only 2 times I've heard from her is when she needed money...well, that kind of hurts, but know that's pretty normal for "kids" in their twenties. I called her over a month ago and she never returned my call. I just do not understand this younger generation who thinks it's ok to not respond when people take the time to reach out to THEM. Even my older 2 (30 and 31) do it. In my generation, it was called "rude and inconsiderate". Now, it seems to be mainstream.
Replies
Best lesson I\'ve learned in 1.75 years of estrangement is that the question of why is best gently set aside; even if they gave us their best answer, we wouldn\'t know if it was the full truth, so best to turn away from this fruitless question. (Dreams hint that much more goes on in the brain than we can be conscious of, which may drive waking actions, too.) This human brain really wants to know the answers to why, to understand and neatly label behavior, and, truth be told, some of our own behavior is a mystery to ourselves. We might do better to bring our minds back to our own short lives and try to enact our own deeply held values. Who can we reach out to who would appreciate a kind word? Is there short term relief in calling a spade a spade, condemning the immature or entitled? Maybe so, but longer relief is deeply recognizing that we can\'t feel their feelings anymore than they can feel ours, and they do what they feel compelled to do, probably blindly. If we could actually feel each others\' feelings, we would quickly understand them and they us. Until then, I have to bring my mind back to the present whenever I feel the anger or pain and look at the world around me in the present and decide what is best for me to do now. If the feelings of anger or pain or fear are intense, I can meditate, write, walk, talk to a friend, read, etc. Then I can do what needs to be done in my world, or just sit and enjoy true peace and quiet and no unnecessary drama. The question is can you or I bring the mind gently out of the storm by focusing on the present? Can we take care of the wound in healthy ways (not addictive ways that do only temporary good and add to the burden on the mind)? Thank goodness this can be done at home, costs little or no money, and is available 24/7.
My dear friend...
I know the pain and frustration you are going through and for that I am truly sorry. As we have discussed it is probably a combination of both how they were made AND this generation.
Either way it still does hurt though and I feel your pain. But remember the little experiment we talked about. Lets just see what happens with this. It could be very surprising. I hope so at a least.
Otherwise, hand in there and keep yourself busy until after the holidays. We will take it from there.