Just rambling
I have so much on my mind right now and all I can do is stay silent which is why I thank GOD for this journal. It is here I can come and vent out my thougts as I can't to anyone. This has taken the place of my therapist. I can vent, calm down and move on.
Dh left just now to go buy his DS22 groceries saying he hasn't bought him any in 6 weeks and he fears he's not eating. Hellooo...he's a 22 year old drug user who just got out of the hospital as he needed to "dry out" yet doesn't think he has a substance abuse problem. Seriously??? It makes me SO mad. We paid his rent this month and will probably again next month or he wouldn't have a roof over his head. When I used to voice my opinion to dh, it would just end up in a huge fight, so now I just say ok, but inside I'm steaming. This is nothing more than enabling a drug addict and I have told dh as such. You pay their bills which allows THEM to spend whatever money THEY make on booze and drugs. It makes me want to vomit. Deep down, dh knows how I feel, so rarely says much to me about his son anymore. I thought a while back that his spine had finally come back as he had decided not to give his son any more money, but no...he's so afraid of his son going hungry. As far as I'm concerned, he's an adult who is making poor choices and needs to go back to rehab and as long as dh is helping him financially, it's like telling him that, although he's doing all the wrong things, we'll continue to help him anyway. Ahhhhhhh (Me screaming.)
Next rant...
So...DD28 is really coming around...came over to visit last night at my request. Dh was gone as his father had fallen and he needed to be with his family (2 1/2 hours away). Anyway, we were talking about DD29 and how she and I haven't talked since Mother's Day. DD28 told me her sister said she thought I was mad at her for some reason. I told DD28 no...that I just figured she was busy and she'll call me when she's ready. Funny part was though is that I finally DID break down and called her yesterday and left a voice mail. What DD28 doesn't know is that actually I was very hurt by DD29 and her dh in January when they visited and only stayed with my ex. DD29 knew I wanted them to split their time evenly between her parents and they didn't do it. The email I sent to DD31 3 months ago asking her to do the same during her visit also let her know how hurt I had been by her sister. And, yes...I did hope DD31 would let DD29 know that. So, yes...I haven't contacted DD29 since we talked on Mother's Day. There is not a doubt in my mind that DD31 shared that email with DD29. I am DONE allowing my children to hurt me intentionally as DD29 did and will love her from a distance if need be. If she and her dh cannot split their time evenly when they visit, I will simply tell them to have a nice visit, but will decline to be a part of it. As my counselor told me, I need to set boundaries with those who hurt me and that is exactly what I'm going to do. I certainly will make sure that they know this has nothing to do with my love for them. If anything, I love them too much, so would rather love them from a distance than allow myself to be hurt by them any more. So, if DD29 returns my call, I won't mention any of this, but will wait until the next time they come to visit. I WILL let her know how wonderful DD31's visit was and how happy she made me by staying half time with me. THAT should tell her everything.
Speaking of DD31...DD28 said yesterday that her sister probably was more than ready to go home after visiting her family and I asked her why she thought that. She said how hard it was for DD31 to have to "go between" her parents'. I thought about that...how she's only come home like 8 times since the divorce, so is still probably not comfortable with it all unlike my younger 2 who have been here and gotten more used to it. I feel for her and hope she will always remember that it wasn't what I wanted....for our family to be divided. I feel for my children , but hold my head high that I did everything in my power to keep our family together.
Dh left just now to go buy his DS22 groceries saying he hasn't bought him any in 6 weeks and he fears he's not eating. Hellooo...he's a 22 year old drug user who just got out of the hospital as he needed to "dry out" yet doesn't think he has a substance abuse problem. Seriously??? It makes me SO mad. We paid his rent this month and will probably again next month or he wouldn't have a roof over his head. When I used to voice my opinion to dh, it would just end up in a huge fight, so now I just say ok, but inside I'm steaming. This is nothing more than enabling a drug addict and I have told dh as such. You pay their bills which allows THEM to spend whatever money THEY make on booze and drugs. It makes me want to vomit. Deep down, dh knows how I feel, so rarely says much to me about his son anymore. I thought a while back that his spine had finally come back as he had decided not to give his son any more money, but no...he's so afraid of his son going hungry. As far as I'm concerned, he's an adult who is making poor choices and needs to go back to rehab and as long as dh is helping him financially, it's like telling him that, although he's doing all the wrong things, we'll continue to help him anyway. Ahhhhhhh (Me screaming.)
Next rant...
So...DD28 is really coming around...came over to visit last night at my request. Dh was gone as his father had fallen and he needed to be with his family (2 1/2 hours away). Anyway, we were talking about DD29 and how she and I haven't talked since Mother's Day. DD28 told me her sister said she thought I was mad at her for some reason. I told DD28 no...that I just figured she was busy and she'll call me when she's ready. Funny part was though is that I finally DID break down and called her yesterday and left a voice mail. What DD28 doesn't know is that actually I was very hurt by DD29 and her dh in January when they visited and only stayed with my ex. DD29 knew I wanted them to split their time evenly between her parents and they didn't do it. The email I sent to DD31 3 months ago asking her to do the same during her visit also let her know how hurt I had been by her sister. And, yes...I did hope DD31 would let DD29 know that. So, yes...I haven't contacted DD29 since we talked on Mother's Day. There is not a doubt in my mind that DD31 shared that email with DD29. I am DONE allowing my children to hurt me intentionally as DD29 did and will love her from a distance if need be. If she and her dh cannot split their time evenly when they visit, I will simply tell them to have a nice visit, but will decline to be a part of it. As my counselor told me, I need to set boundaries with those who hurt me and that is exactly what I'm going to do. I certainly will make sure that they know this has nothing to do with my love for them. If anything, I love them too much, so would rather love them from a distance than allow myself to be hurt by them any more. So, if DD29 returns my call, I won't mention any of this, but will wait until the next time they come to visit. I WILL let her know how wonderful DD31's visit was and how happy she made me by staying half time with me. THAT should tell her everything.
Speaking of DD31...DD28 said yesterday that her sister probably was more than ready to go home after visiting her family and I asked her why she thought that. She said how hard it was for DD31 to have to "go between" her parents'. I thought about that...how she's only come home like 8 times since the divorce, so is still probably not comfortable with it all unlike my younger 2 who have been here and gotten more used to it. I feel for her and hope she will always remember that it wasn't what I wanted....for our family to be divided. I feel for my children , but hold my head high that I did everything in my power to keep our family together.
Replies
You\'re absolutely doing the best that you can and in my humble opinion it\'s very good. You are loving them without imposing your particular desires on them while still letting them know that you would really enjoy a higher level of responsiveness from them. I\'m not there yet with mine but hope to get there in the next year or so. DD27 has been in contact lately and even shared with me that she and her husband may return to the states a year earlier than originally anticipated...this is progress because previously she would have just let me know when it was about to happen! DD29 is still really only communicating with regards to our dogs...but at least it\'s something, right? Keep doing what you\'re doing!!!
I\'m going to speak openly and honestly here and I hope I do not upset you or offend you in any way... but each time I read one of your posts/journal entries when you speak of your daughters... one thing that stands out to me is how you sometimes choose not to communicate directly to them. You will hide your true feelings, or you will communicate directly with one of them and hope that the information gets passed on.
To me, just from reading what you\'ve shared here on DS, it seems like a lot of confusion and misunderstanding between yourself and your daughters stems from that. So, it also seems like if you were to begin communicating with them more directly it may improve things. You shouldn\'t be afraid to speak your truth openly to anyone but especially your daughters.
Also, your DD31 might not have wanted to come to your home much - only those 8 times - not so much because of your divorce but because you have a relationship with the son she gave up. I might have misunderstood... but in another journal entry you explained that she had a baby at age 19 and gave him up through open adoption. She does not have a relationship with him but you do. Also your ex chooses not to have a relationship with him. Is that correct? So that, to me, would be a big deal. I don\'t think it would be very easy for me to visit with my mom in that situation, either. She is more comfortable with her dad because he also chooses not to have a relationship with the child she gave up. She\'s trying to put that past behind her? I could be way off or misunderstood something, but just from what I\'ve been reading that is the impression that I got.
That must be really hard with your DH and his son. :( I\'m so sorry you\'re having to go through that. DH sounds as if he is codependent. He is addicted to his son just as his son is addicted to his poison. The son will never truly hit rock bottom until his dad stops enabling him. I\'m so sorry. ((hugs))