Update
Here I sit...can't believe DD31's visit is over already and today my baby leaves with her. For the first tI'm since the divorce, I will be taking my daughters to the airport. Since the ex doesn't work, he's always gotten to do it. It's like HE'S become the SAHM. But, you all know the story...
DD31 really took my email to heart. She stayed with me exactly half the time which was wonderful and always mindful of my feelings. We had a great time on our little getaway, but, of course, there were no deep discussions about anything. She waited until Saturday night at dinner to tell me that she had to go over to her father's for a bit on Sunday as her father was having a family going away party for DD23. I hadmentioned ed to DD31 on Friday possibly going g to a matinee on Sunday, so she knew I'd be disappointed. Her father had her the first half of the week, but of course he had to take some of my time, too, but I suppose the extended family could only come on the weekend, so....
I tried to get DD23 to spend the night here last night, but she's got growing up to do. She wanted to spend her last night in her own bed...wouldn't budge o that which means I have to pick her up this morning at her father’s new house. Ugh My older 3 have matured enough to understand my discomfort around d their father finally, but she's not there yet obviously.
DD31 is just like her father...doesn't share feelings, but she did say one thing which gave me a glimpse of something. I told her DD23 had told me a while back that DD31 missed her family and it made me happy to hear that. DD31 said she never said that and then said, "I don't miss "family"...I miss individuals." I totally understood. She was already living in CA when our family was destroyed and she's on ly been home maybe a handful of times since. I can imagine how sad it is for her still. She hasn't been around enough to feel it as more normal like DD23 does. In one way, it made me sad to hear her say that and on the other, I understood because I feel the same way. I will always mourn the family we once were as, it sounds, she does as well.
It was great having her here, but I realized something during her visit...as much as I love my children and miss them, I have more fun and can be more "myself" around my friends. With my children, I have to always put on a show of being all happy and watch what I say around them. I fon't need to see any eye rolling or hear "Mom...don't."
I know my daughters don’t want to see me cry at the airport, so I'll need to watch that this morning. I'm happy DD23 is going to live with DD31 as she has no friends here and isn't happy. I will miss her, but will get used to it just like my older 2.
DD31 really took my email to heart. She stayed with me exactly half the time which was wonderful and always mindful of my feelings. We had a great time on our little getaway, but, of course, there were no deep discussions about anything. She waited until Saturday night at dinner to tell me that she had to go over to her father's for a bit on Sunday as her father was having a family going away party for DD23. I hadmentioned ed to DD31 on Friday possibly going g to a matinee on Sunday, so she knew I'd be disappointed. Her father had her the first half of the week, but of course he had to take some of my time, too, but I suppose the extended family could only come on the weekend, so....
I tried to get DD23 to spend the night here last night, but she's got growing up to do. She wanted to spend her last night in her own bed...wouldn't budge o that which means I have to pick her up this morning at her father’s new house. Ugh My older 3 have matured enough to understand my discomfort around d their father finally, but she's not there yet obviously.
DD31 is just like her father...doesn't share feelings, but she did say one thing which gave me a glimpse of something. I told her DD23 had told me a while back that DD31 missed her family and it made me happy to hear that. DD31 said she never said that and then said, "I don't miss "family"...I miss individuals." I totally understood. She was already living in CA when our family was destroyed and she's on ly been home maybe a handful of times since. I can imagine how sad it is for her still. She hasn't been around enough to feel it as more normal like DD23 does. In one way, it made me sad to hear her say that and on the other, I understood because I feel the same way. I will always mourn the family we once were as, it sounds, she does as well.
It was great having her here, but I realized something during her visit...as much as I love my children and miss them, I have more fun and can be more "myself" around my friends. With my children, I have to always put on a show of being all happy and watch what I say around them. I fon't need to see any eye rolling or hear "Mom...don't."
I know my daughters don’t want to see me cry at the airport, so I'll need to watch that this morning. I'm happy DD23 is going to live with DD31 as she has no friends here and isn't happy. I will miss her, but will get used to it just like my older 2.
Replies
Sounds wonderful! Hooray for you in getting through and enjoying all this. It is an effort for some of us to be \"always\" looking at the silver lining or the bright side, but if you want to do it, it can be relaxing and helpful or maybe sort of a do-able though challenging exercise in gratitude. I think the question is whether a person can truly stay focused on her own version of blue skies and calm peace rather than feeling like she is putting on a false face, which almost has to be sort of degrading like any other form of dishonesty. On the other hand, acting cheerful for the sake of others is a time-honored way of being kind to those we care about and if practiced consistently might make us more genuinely psychologically flexible. I\'ve been taught in therapy to be very suspicious of my own thoughts when they are doom and gloom and bitter and just plain sad day after day. There are different ways of looking at even the sadness of estrangement as we here all hear often, but even more importantly, I\'m finding, is learning that my sadness is just a part of who I am. It\'s like a planet in this huge universe. There it is, burning like the sun, but there is a vastness for me to look around in and see all sorts of space and other galactic things. I don\'t have to live on planet sadness, planet jealousy (a friend just got a job on a tv series) and planet worry about how and when I will die. I think, also, that you are very fortunate to have friends you can be yourself around. (Some of us are not that well off.)
P.S. I should have said \"an acquaintance\" just got a tv job, rather than a \"friend.\" Enjoy and treasure those friends of yours!
Sounds like there were many, many, good things in your visits. So glad to hear it, and it\'s nice to see your daughters coming to terms with things as they are, in their own ways.
Yeay! So glad it went well.