Family
So, I called my parents this weekend. Dh and I have agreed that this year, we will not be making the trek to my hometown to visit my family. Throughout the course of my adult life, I have lived a mere 5 hours from my family...always being expected to go visit them (my parents, my sister and her family). Very seldom have they come to visit me. And, the fact, years ago that I'd hear they had gone, once again, to visit my older brother in another state far away only hurt more. I estranged from my parents for 2 years over that. Anyway, it's an issue that's never gone away...why am I not important enough for them to come visit? So, this year...I'm taking a stand. My family has asked me when we're coming and I've told them we're not, but that OUR door is always open and we'd love for them to come visit us. So far...nothing. My parents have always been of the mind that adult children come "home" to visit their parents. In my opinion, all relationships are a 2 way street...I come visit you, you come visit me.
This is why in my adult life, I have made it a point to visit my daughters when I can. Unfortunately, my older 2 are both plane rides away, so money is an issue...especially with my oldest who lives in Hawaii. It's been 4 years since I've gone to visit her and I feel terrible, but, again...money is a factor. She knows if she had remained on the mainland, I could have visited. I would have visited her last year when she lived in CA, but DD29 got married on the east coast and I had to fly there twice.
Dh's parents come visit us twice a year plus have a daughter who lives 7 hours from them and they go visit her. My sister said at my daughter's wedding last year when we were talking about our mother...she said, "You and I both know that we girls have always been secondary to our mother. Her boys come first." Truer words were never spoken. But, my sister lives in the hometown, so doesn't have this issue.
This is why in my adult life, I have made it a point to visit my daughters when I can. Unfortunately, my older 2 are both plane rides away, so money is an issue...especially with my oldest who lives in Hawaii. It's been 4 years since I've gone to visit her and I feel terrible, but, again...money is a factor. She knows if she had remained on the mainland, I could have visited. I would have visited her last year when she lived in CA, but DD29 got married on the east coast and I had to fly there twice.
Dh's parents come visit us twice a year plus have a daughter who lives 7 hours from them and they go visit her. My sister said at my daughter's wedding last year when we were talking about our mother...she said, "You and I both know that we girls have always been secondary to our mother. Her boys come first." Truer words were never spoken. But, my sister lives in the hometown, so doesn't have this issue.
Replies
Like you said, relationships are supposed to be two way. I would encourage you to keep calling your parents, though, even if you can\'t visit. Life is too short to live with any regrets, particularly if anything were to happen to them. You want to know that you did everything you could to show them that you care.
I dont know this sounds all so passive aggressive to me. So youre not going home, because they never come to see you. Have you ever said, Hey the door swings both ways. Ill come to you this year and you come visit me next year? Or minimally, said that you feel hurt because they dont come see you?
Its sort of wishy washy no we arent coming, but our door is always open really isnt an invite now is it? Sometimes people need it to be put very plainly for them to understand. Dont think that they know what you are getting at. Say it as plainly and clearly as possible, so there is no mistake of what you mean. Id even make them repeat it back to you so that you know they understand perfectly.
\"Mom, Dad, I\'m feeling hurt that you never come to see me, so how about you make plans to come this way this year please? When can you come? It would make me so happy!\"
That\'s a much clearer way of communicating!
I\'d hate for you to regret or hold an resentment at all - life is too short and your lucky to have your parents around. I lost my father when he was 53 and my mother when she was 60. Enjoy the time you have with them.
Cher...I do call and keep in touch. I don\'t want any regrets, so I continue to remain in contact. And KRK... my parents DO know how I feel. My mother and I laid it all out via emails after my DD29\'s wedding last year that they chose not to attend. I was very hurt by that (and you can bet they\'ll be attending my older brother\'s daughter\'s wedding this year). And, when I talked to my mother on Sunday, she knew exactly what I meant. I was admittedly \"the black sheep\" of my family and I was closer to my aunt (my mother\'s much younger sister) than I ever was my mother. As my aunt put it, \"When your parents pass, you will mourn for the relationship you never had.\" Unfortunately, that\'s probably true. I think finally though, my parents HEARD me about how hurt I was for them not attending their own granddaughter\'s wedding and have mentioned coming to visit...but, nothing yet. I could not have made myself any clearer to my parents than I did in those emails. Regrets...none. It just wasn\'t meant to be which is probably why I try so hard with my own daughters. I\'m most likely wanting the close relationship with THEM that I\'ve never had with my own mother. Unfortunately, throughout her life, my mother has suffered depression and has some narcissistic traits...some of which I fight myself every day.
I understand how you are hurt. I was not the favored child in the family. My mother would make excuses for my child not visiting as she took in my siblings children. I was always asking my mother to visit but that only happened once. I remember one phone call when I volunteered to pay for her flight. She wouldn\'t come because of my brother. I quickly said I had errands to run and was getting off the phone. She said \"I do love you\" and I replied \"I know\" and hung up the phone. I had heard the doubt in her voice. Was she trying to convince me or herself.
We can all give advice but you are the one who lives with your family. It does hurt when you don\'t feel your family treats you as everyone else. The hurts from childhood can be carried with you for a long time. I hope you can find a way to work through this. Maybe speak up and ask the questions to find out why you feel the way you do.
Ohhhh, ok, you didn\'t explain that in your journal - then your all good. They know exactly why have outright refused to come visit and you are setting your boundaries. Good for you. I didn\'t understand that they treat you like crap.
Thanks, Trisha. I know I\'m not alone in this world of \"unfavored\" children. My mother should have had all boys...she certainly likes them better. On the flip side, I wasn\'t an easy child to raise...the mouthy, rebellious one who fought back instead of like my perfect sister who would just there with tears streaming down her face while our mother yelled at her and told her to lose weight. UGH In my head I was screaming...fight back like I do! I got slapped across the face more times than I can count by my mother for sassing back. So, this goes back a LONGGG way. As a matter of fact, her pet name for me was \"brat\". Nice, right?? Worse yet...she cursed me with a daughter worse than me. She actually said to me, \"I hope someday you have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU, so you\'ll know what I went through.\" And, it worked. DD31 was even worse than I was. sigh So...I take ownership for some of this. As a cousin of mine once said though in regards to my mother, \"We\'ve all learned from your mother how NOT to be.\"
What finally did it for me was when my mothers will was mailed to me. To her beloved only son she left....... To her other heirs she left. I refused what little she left to this heir. I was three states away and had no way to collect a small monthly amt she left me. My little sister was in charge of that and my other sister had trouble every month getting her money. I bowed out and had my portion split between the other two sisters. Then her only beloved son got angry with me. I have had no contact with them in years. Life is good without the siblings I cared for when they were little
Oh, Trisha. I\'m so sad for you, but sometimes our lives are better without people who cause us pain which is why I estranged from my parents twice in my life over the pain of them not coming to visit. It sounds like you\'ve found peace though which is good. As long as my parents are alive, it will pain me.
Don\'t be sad for me. I\'m okay with where I am in my life. That was a long time ago and I always knew there was a reason I was treated differently from my younger siblings. I am the better for having to take care of all that I did with my younger siblings. I learned so much about people I want to stay away from. There are blessings to everything if you just look for them.