2017-01-20

I guess it's been a while. A lot has changed since last time - I've moved, I'm back at uni, Dan and I live together still (with no Alice), I'm still insane.

But I'm alright. I'm alright as I have ever been, anyway. The depression is still intermittent, but I'm dealing with it - the anxiety, however, is through the roof, and I'm very stressed and upset a lot of the time. I guess you know it's getting bad when you basically scream every time you wake up, although that's probably more annoying for Dan than it is for me. I've also convinced myself that literally everyone hates me, so that's unpleasant.

The eating disorder. Well, it's still a thing. I spent a while last year in CBT-E, but dropped out because I couldn't handle it. Mostly I'm just focussing on eating whole foods etc at the moment, and I'm at a new gym - I'd really like to get an ab crack. Or, you know, just some abs. There are a shit ton of things I absolutely won't eat, and the list just gets longer - but I recently re-introduced peanut butter to my diet, and that was nice with an apple. Other than that, my weight's fluctuating a little, but I'm mostly spending a lot of time floating around the 'a bit underweight' mark, so it's ok. I'm fine.

Other than that, I'm so glad to be back at uni. My course is really interesting, although I'm finding it a huge challenge. I'm in a choir as well, though, and that's going nicely - we're actually doing an evensong in Cambridge soon, so that'll be awesome. I'm doing a lot of dance, as well, and there's a show coming up in Spring; aside from that, I've just finished a show, and it's been amazing. I loved it, and I'm sad it's over, but it's been so exciting to actually be part of the creative process of the whole thing.

Dan is fine - actually, he's thriving. He's a chef now, and he'll be moving to a new job within the next month or so. I'm so proud of him! We're as strong as ever. Still not engaged, but we're practically married, and we talk about it all the time anyway. Incidentally, he was best man at his best friend's wedding in April - it looked like a lovely ceremony, and I can't wait to actually meet the bride when she's next in the UK (long and complicated immigration issue). We're going to Disneyland in April, and I'm so excited to be going home to Paris; we thought we'd spend our anniversary in Caen this year as well. Five years! Really? Good Lord. But we're happy, and he's my best friend in the whole world. I'm very lucky. He puts up with a lot.

I still have a lot of intrusive thoughts of people and events I'd rather forget - we actually touched on some of them in therapy a while back, and I wish I'd been able to stay in therapy longer as a result. But I'm dealing with them. I actually unfriended Tom on Facebook, and I'm really proud of myself. It's amazing how much things that happened so long ago can still affect me day to day - and they really do. It's odd. Sometimes I wonder if suicide is the only way out, but I think that's probably born mostly out of fear; fear of tackling these issues, fear of them happening again, fear of always being like this.

But then I realise that suicide isn't really a way out at all. All I can do is keep living.

Like I said, I'm alright. Not good, not great, but not bad either.

I'm alright.