2013, work in progress
It was been quite a while since I last wrote. Not that I didn't need it but it was just such a busy time with the holiday. Things have for the most part been the same. Work and school, work and school, little sleep and more work. I am working alot since I am off from my BSN classes, but I picked up a winter session class to finish up my other electives. I finished yesterday and received an A. so I am pretty happy. I don't know if I mentioned before or not but I got straight As this semester. All my hard work paid off.
It doesn't matter how well I do in school or all the good things I do at work and in my off time, there are just some things that I don't feel will ever change. Today my dad came home drunk. It was a little after 12 and he was already gone. It never seems to fail a few months go by and things are fine and then BAM he does it again. I really am sick of this. I am sick of that feeling I get right when I see him. That "OH, YOU'RE HAMMERED AGAIN" Disappointed feeling. He said to me once when he was messed up, "you know I should be in your position the responsible one who is taking care of the messed up one." WELL, NO DUH!!! I shouldn't have to be the one taking the keys and the money and checking up on him, I shouldn't have to be contemplating how we can get him to rehab or to the hospital if something happens. I shouldn't be the one sick every time I hear the fire whistle going off, to think maybe it was him. It shouldn't have to be me. But it is. It is always me.
Well there is my rant for the day. I feel better after airing it all out. I would tell him, but I am tired of repeating myself like a broken record to a wall who just doesn't hear me. Some days I feel it would be better off if he weren't here. I know it is horrible to say but its how I feel. He wouldn't be hurting anymore and he would be sober. The worries would be gone and that evilness inside of him would be too. Its the strangest thing. When hes not doing anything hes my dad again, supportive, and caring but when he is hes a stranger. Some mean man that doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
I need to move out. I have been contemplating it for a while. I don't want to move out hastily in the heat of an argument ( some days yes I do want to) but I have enough saved now and I am responsible enough on my own, (I basically run the house now as it is). I could get a nice little apartment somewhere nearby and fix it up nice and pretty. I know I am surely dreaming. I have until November until my expungement so I will be here until then.
On a happier note, Happy 2013. I have been working hard at my anxiety. I managed to drive in the snow a few times and didn't freak out too bad. I wasn't happy about it and the first time I cried the whole time but its a work in progress.
It doesn't matter how well I do in school or all the good things I do at work and in my off time, there are just some things that I don't feel will ever change. Today my dad came home drunk. It was a little after 12 and he was already gone. It never seems to fail a few months go by and things are fine and then BAM he does it again. I really am sick of this. I am sick of that feeling I get right when I see him. That "OH, YOU'RE HAMMERED AGAIN" Disappointed feeling. He said to me once when he was messed up, "you know I should be in your position the responsible one who is taking care of the messed up one." WELL, NO DUH!!! I shouldn't have to be the one taking the keys and the money and checking up on him, I shouldn't have to be contemplating how we can get him to rehab or to the hospital if something happens. I shouldn't be the one sick every time I hear the fire whistle going off, to think maybe it was him. It shouldn't have to be me. But it is. It is always me.
Well there is my rant for the day. I feel better after airing it all out. I would tell him, but I am tired of repeating myself like a broken record to a wall who just doesn't hear me. Some days I feel it would be better off if he weren't here. I know it is horrible to say but its how I feel. He wouldn't be hurting anymore and he would be sober. The worries would be gone and that evilness inside of him would be too. Its the strangest thing. When hes not doing anything hes my dad again, supportive, and caring but when he is hes a stranger. Some mean man that doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
I need to move out. I have been contemplating it for a while. I don't want to move out hastily in the heat of an argument ( some days yes I do want to) but I have enough saved now and I am responsible enough on my own, (I basically run the house now as it is). I could get a nice little apartment somewhere nearby and fix it up nice and pretty. I know I am surely dreaming. I have until November until my expungement so I will be here until then.
On a happier note, Happy 2013. I have been working hard at my anxiety. I managed to drive in the snow a few times and didn't freak out too bad. I wasn't happy about it and the first time I cried the whole time but its a work in progress.
Replies
Congratulations on your great grades!
I\'m praying for you to work out a solution of your problem and for your dad.
Happy New Year!
congrats girl!!...i hope your dad gets the help that he needs..some never do..to some there is no problem..but when it effects family and friends yes its a problem..stay strong..stay on your path to a better life for YOURSELF...we cant save the world..all we can do is save ourselves..take care..