20 weeks
So 20 weeks ago, around this time, I was probably at my daughter's apartment. I had not been allowed to see her at the hospital morgue, hate that word. I still needed proof, somehow, I believed it but I didn't believe it...so I wanted to see where it happened. I had to look hard to find any blood...in her tiny backyard...but when I did I went to my knees and screamed for a towel, I still don't know why. I wanted to wipe the coagulating blood off the blades of grass...maybe I wanted to eradicate the evidence...but I still have the towel. I don't want this, I want her...but I don't have the nerve she had...to actually do it. Oh what fierce pain she must have been in!!! I can't imagine anything worse than this, but yet I don't have the nerve to take my own life and end the pain, and she did...
Replies
I understand your pain, Gina. When my son Michael died, I asked his friend (the one who found my son) to give me a detail by detail of everything that happened that day, up to and including even tiny details of his death, such as were Michael\'s eyes open when he found him. Aaron, at first, did not want to tell me, but I told him that I needed to know. It must be very difficult to deal with how your child could take their own life when the will to live is so innate. You keep telling your story (and your daughter\'s) over and over until you accept it. At least, this is how it was for me. I had to tell it over and over until it became real to me and in whatever form of acceptance I had to come to about it. Bless you and hang in there.
Peace.
I remember when I counted weeks. Such a painful time. Sorrow so great...eventually it went to months and then years. How can time pass? But it does and in that time things change and the pain lessens. It will always be present...but happiness does return. Gentle hugs...Karen
The courage is in the living Gina. You are not without nerve my friend. It takes nerve and courage to keep breathing. Love you, Lauri
I can imagine what you are going through I was not able to see Chelsea \'s body because she was hit by 3 car\'s and the police strongly recommend against it but to not be able to see her to kiss her forehead or stroke her hair one last time it kills me inside I wish I could end it all but I have a 20 year old son who is counting on me to hang around for him to see him married and to meet my grandkids one day so I really do feel your pain and I am here for you if you need anything
With you and caring dearest Gina... Just keep breathing the seconds and minutes.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
Oh Gina, You are dealing with such sadness...I know a little about how you feel because my youngest son, Greg, died by suicide. I never saw him either...he died alone and nobody knew for a few days. When I couldn\'t see him for one last time, I thought I would go crazy...I asked the lady at the funeral home for some of his hair...he had the most beautiful curly hair. I held on to his hair for a long time....maybe it is the same for you with the towel....I know how much you want your daughter back, my heart aches for you. I can\'t understand why we have to go through this pain but, a couple of things helped me along the journey. One of the things is what you said...what a fierce pain they must have been in. I don\'t think Greg took his own life, I think something took him to a black, empty, place and he could not find all the people he loved so he had to go. I can\'t understand how he felt, if I could, I would probably be in that place too and it is not a place I want to be. The other thing is that Greg had his path in life just like I have mine. I don\'t understand this either but, it is the only way I can make sense of what happened. For some reason, my path in life for now is to live. For quite a while, I had to just take one minute at a time, one breath at a time, and one step at a time. Now, it is easier...I am beginning to embrace life again. I don\'t know how it works, Gina, but, I am sure that the love you have for your daughter and the love she has for you cannot die. It is always there bridging the gap between you in this world and your daughter in her world. Please be very gentle with yourself....it has not been very long since you lost her. Time does heal. We are with you...hold on and take it slow. Sending you tight hugs and much love, Anne
I think I have unintentionally misled some of you. I didn\'t get to see Cassi THAT day...when I was deeo in denial and I felt I had to see her either to confirm it or prove that everyone else was mistaken and there was going to be hell to pay for causing me such turmoil. It was a Sunday. She was taken straight to the Medical Examiner\'s office. She was off and could not be bothered to come in to give me a glimpse of my baby. I was in shock. I saw her 3 days later, after the autopsy, when the funeral home had picked her up. Besides a large sutured wound on the top of her head, she looked beautiful. I remember walking into the room where she was. It seemed like forever and there were so many doors...about 50 feet away, I knew. By this time my medications were being held and monitered and the guns still in my house were hidden. Of course, I could have founf a way. It\'s why I wonder...how much pain was she in??? More than what I was in at the loss of her?? Because I didn\'t kill myself.