20 days!!

It has been 20 days since I journaled. I actually thought it had been much longer! I get busy or distracted, time slips by so fast, I think about it, feel guilty that I haven't touched base, put it out of my mind because guilt sucks...then more time passes...so today I just opened the page and it was as easy as that! A lot of you are on facebook, so at least you know I am still breathing, but some of you are not and I don't want you to worry...but then again, like Teri said, my ego gets away from me sometimes, lol. Everyone just might not be holding their breath to hear from me! Imagine that!

In 4 days it will be 4 years. I am going to be all over the place emotionally, like what else is new, right???!!! A couple of weeks ago I was feeling okay and thinking maybe I could just skip it this year. Not acknowledge it as any other day, take back some of the power that mean date has over me. It was wishful thinking...It has been attacking me from all directions, demanding my attention and my emotions, hurting me...I don't like reliving that day every year. I also don't like this journey I am on...no one does. Yet here I am.

I have been doing a bit of reading on the practice of Buddhism. There are many sects, I am of the school of thinking that it is a practice, not a religion, which is, in my humble opinion, what Buddha intended. He said he was merely the finger pointing the way, however everyone should question everything, no matter where they had read it or who had said it, even if he had said it, and if it didn't work for them, then move on. No dogma, no demands, no rules...just guidelines to how he himself had reached a point of enlightenment. I have always been attracted to the ancient eastern practices and yes, even religions, and I find Buddhism very peaceful. Getting down to the very basics, there are The Four Noble Truths...then the more specific Eightfold Path to Righteousness. The first of the Noble Truths is roughly translated into "Life is Suffering". That turns a lot of people off and they dig no deeper. However, we now know the deeper intention of the statement. It's not Life, in and of itself, that is suffering, but the yearning, the search for happiness or stability or safety, whatever. Our soul knows it's true potential, which is greater than our human brains consider, and we become rats on a wheel chasing a piece of cheese that will never satisfy us. We can do amazing things, get an education, a great job, a home, raise a family, basically the "American Dream", yet there is a quiet yet unyielding whispering...we interpret it as more, more, more...yet even amassing great wealth, fame, power can't give us what we already posess but are not aware of. That is the suffering, the "quiet desperation"... nothing external can truly make us happy for very long. We have to get quiet and listen to our soul, it knows it's potential. To compare it to the teachings of Jesus, He told people to abandon everything, all their property, leave their families, take to the road with Him...no doubt those that did were fulfilling the highest desires or their souls, but could you do it??? That is your suffering, ignoring your spirit, denying your suffering, accepting your ego's definition of a good happy life...we think more money, a better job, a bigger house will fulfill that hole but the happiness these things bring is fleeting, and sooner or later our spirit will be tapping us on the shoulder again, and not understanding where this feeling is coming from, we continue to work harder, achieve more...maybe our purpose is to move to India and work in an orphanage. Can anyone deny that Mother Teresa was happy? But we would not look longingly at her precious life...she embraced the suffering, and expected nothing...she did not yearn for happiness, she just was, because she was fulfilling her highest purpose. Have you seen photos of her smile??? It won't be denied.

So that is where I am now. That has my interest now. It could be something else next week. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and a journey, not a destination. I just want to learn and grow and evolve. I don't know why my life turned out this way, but I have faith that despite how hard it has been and continues to be, there is a reason for it. It is part of my journey and as long as I continue to reach out to other moms I am serving, I have a purpose...and I had the excruciating education to prepare me for it. Mind you, if a non-grieving mom, one of the unbroken, tries to tell me there is a reason for everything, that person will most likely "tote a cussin'" as we say in the south. If she hasn't walked the walk, she hasn't, in my opinion, earned the right to talk the talk, not to me anyway...maybe I will become more patient in time, but probably not soon.

Hope all is well...I had the flu, the bad one, but it's over and I am regaining my strength. If you have not gotten it, I highly recommend getting the vaccine. I never have before, but will from now on, it's not fun.