2 years later update...
Okay geesh, it's been almost 2 years since the last time I wrote in here. A lot of things have happened, obviously lol.
July is coming up and that's a hard month for me. The 17th of that month my ex fiance, Josh, got murdered by our 'best friend' in 2009. He was in ICU and after a surgery he had done (he was shot in the head several times) he didn't make it through those few days after it happened. We talked and laughed on the phone for about an hour 3 days before this happened. I miss him terribly. He was a wonderful person. And then on the 28th will be when my son Joshua passed away 4 years ago...feels like yesterday. My little angel who I miss and think about every single day. Just not looking forward to those days...
But though all the crap, I have this little miracle sleeping a few feet from me. The doctors told me I would never be able to carry a baby to term because my uterus was not strong enough and would rupture causing an early pregnancy or miscarriage. Also I was high risk for ectopic too. Well I met an amazing man, Dan, who is now my husband (married October 1, 2011) I never thought I would ever be able to trust and love another person the way I do him. He is thoughtful, understanding, loving, an amazing father, I could go on and on. I love him to pieces lets just leave it at that. So around the end of May last year I thought I was pregnant, like I just FELT that I was. Even though I was on birth control. My friend was over and he thought I was crazy. I told him no we gotta go get a test and find out. I took it right when I got home and positive!!! I was so scared because of what the doctors told me and I was not ready for this! At this time Dan and I were not living together so I called him up that night and told him and it was hard at first and a shock but turned into a wonderful experience. We finally got married when I was 20 weeks along, he moved in with my mom and I. I had to get many ultra sounds and lots of Dr's appointments to make sure the pregnancy was going smoothly. I had one scare at 26 weeks. Then was technically in 'labor' for basically a month (in dialation terms, won't go into detail lol) It was a rough month for sure.
On January 23rd I did not feel right at all. I was in my 36th week (yay yay yay!!) I decided to walk the apartment halls because I was starting to get pain and that was the only thing that used to help and make it go away. When I came back I told my mom, something is not right, I have horrible cramps that are not going away. Never really had the waves of contractions...it was like ONE BIG contraction that wouldn't go away! My mom, husband and I got ready to go to the hospital, got our bags finished packed and off we went. I honestly thought I would be going home that night. But nope, I was in labor!! Let me tell you, it was so long and holy pain. 24 hours later on January 24th at 5:12pm I had my beautiful son, Nathaniel (Nathan). Every thing I went though just went away and my heart filled with love the moment he was placed on my chest. I was in love in an instant. The doctors thought he was going to be 5lbs and would need to be in NICU. He came out 6lbs 10oz!! Surprise!! No NICU, was perfectly healthy! How blessed am I? He's a little miracle. He truly is.
As my mental health...the panic and anxiety is awful. I know I have depression, but it's no where near as harsh as the panic (which is probably making me depressed). Every single day I will get a panic attack, anxiety almost 24/7. The other day I had 3 panic attacks. I had one while I was outside and I was hyperventilating and tried telling my husband to start pinching me as hard as he could handle. He didn't want to but I knew it would help. He pinched my arm and it calmed me down a bit, I could breathe normal again. I think sometimes my brain needs a shock of something else to stop the panic. I don't cut anymore but sometimes I will pinch or sometimes scratch at my arms during one. Bah, like right now I have high anxiety. 8 years of this is just driving me nuts. When will it stop?? I've done a million things to help myself and nothing is working, and I've worked my ass off at them. Xanax is the only thing that will help me right now and I don't even want to get on the subject of how much I hate/love that medicine. I don't think anyone should ever take it...it should never be prescribed. I'm sure I'll write about it. Okay this is getting long. Just wanted to update my journal on the important things.
Anyone reading this, take care and have a great day <3
July is coming up and that's a hard month for me. The 17th of that month my ex fiance, Josh, got murdered by our 'best friend' in 2009. He was in ICU and after a surgery he had done (he was shot in the head several times) he didn't make it through those few days after it happened. We talked and laughed on the phone for about an hour 3 days before this happened. I miss him terribly. He was a wonderful person. And then on the 28th will be when my son Joshua passed away 4 years ago...feels like yesterday. My little angel who I miss and think about every single day. Just not looking forward to those days...
But though all the crap, I have this little miracle sleeping a few feet from me. The doctors told me I would never be able to carry a baby to term because my uterus was not strong enough and would rupture causing an early pregnancy or miscarriage. Also I was high risk for ectopic too. Well I met an amazing man, Dan, who is now my husband (married October 1, 2011) I never thought I would ever be able to trust and love another person the way I do him. He is thoughtful, understanding, loving, an amazing father, I could go on and on. I love him to pieces lets just leave it at that. So around the end of May last year I thought I was pregnant, like I just FELT that I was. Even though I was on birth control. My friend was over and he thought I was crazy. I told him no we gotta go get a test and find out. I took it right when I got home and positive!!! I was so scared because of what the doctors told me and I was not ready for this! At this time Dan and I were not living together so I called him up that night and told him and it was hard at first and a shock but turned into a wonderful experience. We finally got married when I was 20 weeks along, he moved in with my mom and I. I had to get many ultra sounds and lots of Dr's appointments to make sure the pregnancy was going smoothly. I had one scare at 26 weeks. Then was technically in 'labor' for basically a month (in dialation terms, won't go into detail lol) It was a rough month for sure.
On January 23rd I did not feel right at all. I was in my 36th week (yay yay yay!!) I decided to walk the apartment halls because I was starting to get pain and that was the only thing that used to help and make it go away. When I came back I told my mom, something is not right, I have horrible cramps that are not going away. Never really had the waves of contractions...it was like ONE BIG contraction that wouldn't go away! My mom, husband and I got ready to go to the hospital, got our bags finished packed and off we went. I honestly thought I would be going home that night. But nope, I was in labor!! Let me tell you, it was so long and holy pain. 24 hours later on January 24th at 5:12pm I had my beautiful son, Nathaniel (Nathan). Every thing I went though just went away and my heart filled with love the moment he was placed on my chest. I was in love in an instant. The doctors thought he was going to be 5lbs and would need to be in NICU. He came out 6lbs 10oz!! Surprise!! No NICU, was perfectly healthy! How blessed am I? He's a little miracle. He truly is.
As my mental health...the panic and anxiety is awful. I know I have depression, but it's no where near as harsh as the panic (which is probably making me depressed). Every single day I will get a panic attack, anxiety almost 24/7. The other day I had 3 panic attacks. I had one while I was outside and I was hyperventilating and tried telling my husband to start pinching me as hard as he could handle. He didn't want to but I knew it would help. He pinched my arm and it calmed me down a bit, I could breathe normal again. I think sometimes my brain needs a shock of something else to stop the panic. I don't cut anymore but sometimes I will pinch or sometimes scratch at my arms during one. Bah, like right now I have high anxiety. 8 years of this is just driving me nuts. When will it stop?? I've done a million things to help myself and nothing is working, and I've worked my ass off at them. Xanax is the only thing that will help me right now and I don't even want to get on the subject of how much I hate/love that medicine. I don't think anyone should ever take it...it should never be prescribed. I'm sure I'll write about it. Okay this is getting long. Just wanted to update my journal on the important things.
Anyone reading this, take care and have a great day <3
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