2 more days
Here I am again...I am desperate and looking for comfort and relief wherever I might be able to find it. I just don't understand why I am so damned depressed...I have had many decent days in the past 2 1/2 years and in 2 days I will be marking the anniversary of the best day of my life. But there is no map for this journey and if there was one for mine then it would have been created by a mad scientist. I'm so lonely, is it my fault??? Do I push people away??? Put up barriers??? Sometimes I wonder. I selfishly take for granted the people that love me the most while desperately chasing some who don't seem to care. I miss Cassi's 2 best friends. They were always around. But as usual they are too busy to help me celebrate Cassi's birthday. Cassi was so faithful to them, they seemed to have moved on and even replaced Cassi with another girl to keep the group as balanced as it was. Cassi loved the mother of Lucas, if something had happened to him I know she would have kept contact with his mother yet I never hear from Lucas unless I reach out to him and even then he doesn't want to talk about her. He wants to talk about his life now. They moved on, I haven't...I wonder if I will feel better after this week or if this is some kind of setback into a dark hole I can't climb my way out of. I want my baby back, I know I can't, not in this life. I thought about checking into the hospital, but I don't want to be seperated from my husband and my dogs. How can it be 2 1/2 years later I feel like I am right back at the beginning???
Replies
Gina, last year, Ed's 6th angel date was filled with trauma and reliving the day of Ed's passing as if it just happened. I think I wasn't paying attention to my feelings and needs and the day took over. This year I am going to listen to what my body and mind are telling me and take better care of myself. I guess I am sharing this because I feel like our child's birthdays are always going to be filled with bittersweet emotions and that angelversaries will always hurt but some may be gentler than others. On Ed's birthday I make his favorite cake and give him a gift by making a donation in his name to his favorite charity. I invite people that were important to Ed and whoever comes, comes. This is just what works for me. And I allow myself to feel what I feel. Just know you are loved and understood here.There is no right or wrong way to feel, miss and celebrate our children. Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
I just read the best post by Liz Gilbert that you can Google all about emotions that is on her FB page. The ones that she says our culture tries to tell us are the "wrong" way to feel and on and on and on. I just lived into my one/two heart punch with my son's angel day last month and his birthday yesterday. I simply allowed myself to feel whatever came in and it changed moment by moment. I had some private tears, I listened to a class that was soothing to my soul, I read texts and emails from friends and family and was simply grateful to navigate the day as I needed to. I had a spiritual direction group that I am a part of monthly and I had volunteered to bring the treat and as it got closer to the time I knew I could provide the treat, I made banana bread, one of Douglas' favorites, yet I just did not want to go so I didn't. My little girl inside was relieved and just wanted us to hang out together and not try to be brave. Our brave was all used up so we were quiet together and that is how yesterday was for me. Each year is different because I'm not the same, yet the one thing that is the same and is the constant is our LOVE for these beautiful children that are NEVER forgotten and are always remembered because our hearts will not have it any other way.
Please do not question or be hard on yourself and pay attention to what your body, mind and soul are telling you. If you need to check yourself into a hospital then do it, if you need to spend the day in bed then do it, if you want to bake Cassi's favorite treat, then do it, if you need to cuddle with your dogs then do it, if you need to cry, then do it. You are not diminishing the day of Cassi's birth by feeling however you are because she is no longer earth side. This is NOT the way it is supposed to be and how could you not be feeling the way that you are??? All of us here are with you 100% in the deepest understanding that we have of how these days can and do feel.
Keep journaling, stay close and know that whatever emotion you are feeling it's the one that is needed for that moment. Please do try to Google that post by Liz Gilbert and I hope you find her thoughts as comforting as I did.
Loving care to Cassi's mom from Douglas' mom.
XO Joanie
Hi Gina,
There is no right or wrong to this journey - I think sometimes I feel like I need TO DO something on Jennifer's birthday - and when I just can't physically DO anything, I feel depressed, like somehow I have let her down and does that mean I'm forgetting her? In my sane mind, without my crazy emotions, I know this is not true. We will never ever forget our children nor do we even want to so again, emotions have a way of making us craazy. Yesterday was Jennifer's 3rd birthday that she wasn't here on earth - I cried most of the morning (while trying to work), but on facebook I asked people who knew her to leave a memory as their comment...even though I cried reading them, it helped me to keep her alive and it got others who knew her to keep her alive. That helped me, in the midst of my tears.
I don't know - this is a roller coaster of emotions - but just go with them - do what it is that You need to do....I don't believe you are going backwards or starting over - I believe it's a day or days that we struggle more than others.....always missing our child but how awesome that we can come here - I get it, Gina. (((((hugs))))Vicki