2 Febrary 2009

hello my dear friendsas we enter into february, i am feeling frantic, and shaky, as april draws nearer. 24 April will be ONE YEAR since jessy's passing. i cannot cannot cannot believe it. i think because i spent so much intimate time with her, her being so dependant on me, it is so very weird her not being here, her not needing me, and yet ME needing HER! but i guess as much as i dont want it to be this way, IT IS THIS WAY. and april WILL COME.  and the one year mark WILL come.  and i will have to continue to carry on. khaely is settling into her school now. she is way behind on her grades, and is on a lower level in a remedial school, but she seems more stable (bipolar), and adapting.jarod too, is settling in, getting used to a BIT of a stricter routine at school, which he is struggling with, but he needs the boundaries SO BADLY.  his life has been such a mess, that the boundaries and rules being set, are giving him security, i believe.tali, 5 years old, is doing good, besides a chest infection and anti biotic. i have a bladder infection, i get them regularly, i take a lot of cranberry but i still get the infections. it is so sore i can hardly contain myself until  the anti biotic starts to take effect.and im still sleeping so much, i dont know what to do. no-one knows what it is, not even the neurologist.  maybe its simply PTSD. maybe im sleeping and trying to endure the pain. all i can say for sure, is that its uncontrollable, like ive been drugged, anywhere, any place, i ask for a bed, and i just sleep and sleep. my dad has parkinsons and alzheimers. his wife (my folks divorced many years ago), is taking him to live in Australia, with HER kids, and family.  i am absolutely devastated. besides his condition, i dont know HOW they got the go-ahead from medical tests to emigrate, i dont know HOW he will cope with the trip or the change in environment.and there's the emotional issue of feeling abandoned. how can he leave me and my kids, his grandchildren?!  i dont understand it.  i can understand all their reasons for wanting to go, but i am very hurt, and i dont know what i am going to say to the kids, or see them handle yet ANOTHER loss. i feel sorry for my dad cos he barely knows whats going on anymore. but i also feel angry at him for doing this. unfortunately deep down i know i will not see him again. my family will not be able to afford to travel to australia. and i doubt, he will EVER be fit to travel again. last year this time, i was telling my rabbi that its like i know jessy is dying. and imagine having to say goodbye to someone leaving on a plane, but instead of it just being till next time you see them - jessy - you know its the final good-bye. FINAL.  oh G-d, how would i see it through. the rabbi talked to me so much and tried to support. and now, not only did i lose jessy, but the analogy i gave of someone leaving on a plane, is EXACTLY coming true. i feel sick sick sick. i dont feel strong enough to deal with everything.please keep me in your prayers, for strength. love you all, and thank you for being there alwaysall my love, jan