2 Febrary 2009
hello my dear friendsas we enter into february, i am feeling frantic, and shaky, as april draws nearer. 24 April will be ONE YEAR since jessy's passing. i cannot cannot cannot believe it. i think because i spent so much intimate time with her, her being so dependant on me, it is so very weird her not being here, her not needing me, and yet ME needing HER! but i guess as much as i dont want it to be this way, IT IS THIS WAY. and april WILL COME. and the one year mark WILL come. and i will have to continue to carry on. khaely is settling into her school now. she is way behind on her grades, and is on a lower level in a remedial school, but she seems more stable (bipolar), and adapting.jarod too, is settling in, getting used to a BIT of a stricter routine at school, which he is struggling with, but he needs the boundaries SO BADLY. his life has been such a mess, that the boundaries and rules being set, are giving him security, i believe.tali, 5 years old, is doing good, besides a chest infection and anti biotic. i have a bladder infection, i get them regularly, i take a lot of cranberry but i still get the infections. it is so sore i can hardly contain myself until the anti biotic starts to take effect.and im still sleeping so much, i dont know what to do. no-one knows what it is, not even the neurologist. maybe its simply PTSD. maybe im sleeping and trying to endure the pain. all i can say for sure, is that its uncontrollable, like ive been drugged, anywhere, any place, i ask for a bed, and i just sleep and sleep. my dad has parkinsons and alzheimers. his wife (my folks divorced many years ago), is taking him to live in Australia, with HER kids, and family. i am absolutely devastated. besides his condition, i dont know HOW they got the go-ahead from medical tests to emigrate, i dont know HOW he will cope with the trip or the change in environment.and there's the emotional issue of feeling abandoned. how can he leave me and my kids, his grandchildren?! i dont understand it. i can understand all their reasons for wanting to go, but i am very hurt, and i dont know what i am going to say to the kids, or see them handle yet ANOTHER loss. i feel sorry for my dad cos he barely knows whats going on anymore. but i also feel angry at him for doing this. unfortunately deep down i know i will not see him again. my family will not be able to afford to travel to australia. and i doubt, he will EVER be fit to travel again. last year this time, i was telling my rabbi that its like i know jessy is dying. and imagine having to say goodbye to someone leaving on a plane, but instead of it just being till next time you see them - jessy - you know its the final good-bye. FINAL. oh G-d, how would i see it through. the rabbi talked to me so much and tried to support. and now, not only did i lose jessy, but the analogy i gave of someone leaving on a plane, is EXACTLY coming true. i feel sick sick sick. i dont feel strong enough to deal with everything.please keep me in your prayers, for strength. love you all, and thank you for being there alwaysall my love, jan
Replies
I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you find the strenghth to make it through. Even when we are so down and can\'t control everything in life we have to keep trudging along. I\'m so sorry about your father and his moving. I don\'t no what to say, as he is still married so I guess he has to go with his wife. It doesn\'t sound like a good idea with his condition, have you talked to her about how you feel? I don\'t no what kind of relationship you have with her, but maybe she should put a hold on it. I\'m so sorry for all you are going through. Your tough like me, even though we don\'t feel that way. I will always be here if you ned me. You can throw it all out there, and vent!!!!!!!!!!
oh jan, you will be in my thoughts and prayers as your family always is with me.....your a really strong woman and you will get through this time!!! im so sorry that your dad is leaving and i hope that you will still be able to comunicate with him by phone, as i know how important he is to you and your family.....i hope that you are taking care of yourself, i worry about you because you give so much to your kids that im not sure you have enough left to be kind to yourself....im here for you so your never alone......lots of love...jann
You are in my prayers. I just want to remind you that you are stronger than you realize. You can and will do whatever you need to do to keep going. Love and hugs...Karen
Love and Prayer always Linda
Grief can be exhausting...but it is good that you are following up with your physician.
Take care, Jan...things will get better..I know it does not seems that way now, but it will.
Janice, I remember how difficult the one year anniversary was. I am here for you as you know. April for us will be 2 years, and I can hardly believe it. You know it seems in some ways it hasn\'t been that long, and in others feels much longer. I can only imagine how different life is now that Jessy is gone. With her needs you were together so much, and I\'m sure it takes a lot of adjusting. I\'m glad to hear the other 3 are getting along better and adjusting. Also, with the bladder infections. I too get them often and for immediate relief you can get an over the counter pill that numbs the urinary tract. It will turn your urine orange...the pharmacist will know the name of it as I can\'t recall I just know where it is in the aisle lol!! But it is a miracle!! Trust me! I hope you feel better, and I\'m sorry to hear about your dad. Have you tried to talk to him about the way you feel?? Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Lots of hugs
candice
Jan -- I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I\'m very sorry that your dad will be leaving. Have you talked with your dad\'s wife about your concerns? I\'m glad to hear that Khaely and Jarod are doing well in school. You are often in my thoughts, and I continue to hope that you will feel better soon! Hugs, Judy : )