1st intro entry
Today, as my day has gone on, got oldest off to school, tending to my 4 1/2 yo, and almost 3 yo, cleaning, thinking about what my night's going to be like at work tonight, I found a strange surge of anger come over me. My mind wanders off, no matter how I try to keep it occupied, about my 3rd time of discovering my H porn addiction. No matter how much I read and we talk, I can't help but think what I could've done different in the past to keep him from breaking his old promises. I'm awaiting the arrival of several books I ordered online for both of us to help while he's in therapy. I'm going tomorrow with him to the therapist as the therapist feels it's time for me to join in, and see how bad things were (my side).
I have days where I know I can get through this, as I did so twice before in our 8 yrs together (well, almost 9). somehow, this time it's different. Although he's now getting help after realizing he needs help, it doesn't seem to be affecting me the way I thought it would've. He didn't realize he needed help until after I was screaming at him, tearing him down, saying he needed help and I needed counseling now as he broke my heart to the core. I told him he needed to get help as that's the only way I wouldn't kick his butt out. He said he'd do whatever it takes for me not to leave. I got us books, and got himself a SA workbook that he's been working on.
But, in the meantime, I have so much anger and self esteem issues to deal with. I have a stash of leftover antidepressants which I stopped taking last summer, but I really don't want to rely on those again. I know I need to go to counseling for myself to learn how to cope, but we can't afford it as we don't have health ins (he's going weekly), and we can't go together much at all because we don't have anyone to watch the kids.
so, here I find myself on this forum, so resourceful, helpful, and relieving in some sense
I have days where I know I can get through this, as I did so twice before in our 8 yrs together (well, almost 9). somehow, this time it's different. Although he's now getting help after realizing he needs help, it doesn't seem to be affecting me the way I thought it would've. He didn't realize he needed help until after I was screaming at him, tearing him down, saying he needed help and I needed counseling now as he broke my heart to the core. I told him he needed to get help as that's the only way I wouldn't kick his butt out. He said he'd do whatever it takes for me not to leave. I got us books, and got himself a SA workbook that he's been working on.
But, in the meantime, I have so much anger and self esteem issues to deal with. I have a stash of leftover antidepressants which I stopped taking last summer, but I really don't want to rely on those again. I know I need to go to counseling for myself to learn how to cope, but we can't afford it as we don't have health ins (he's going weekly), and we can't go together much at all because we don't have anyone to watch the kids.
so, here I find myself on this forum, so resourceful, helpful, and relieving in some sense
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