1st entry
I haven't been on this site in quite sometime. Just read my profile and what I wrote about myself when I first joined, I find it extremly sad that nothing has changed in how I feel about myself.
I am going to be 44 this year, I am so tired of my life continuing down this same path. Self loathing, depression, pcos, lack of confidence, lonliness..these are things that I have let run my life since puberty.
I have never been the type of person to put myself out there whether it be online or in person, even on a site like this where the people that come here mostly suffer in some form or another, I don't feel like I fit in or can contribute.
I finally made an important Drs. appointment with an endocrinologist, I hope he can help and put me in the right direction, I don't want to be depressed anymore, I want to know what it feels like to have confidence, I want to be able to climb stairs and not feel like I am going to die before I reach the top, I want to be able to go into a store and not leave almost in tears because I can't find anything that will fit me, I want to know what it feels like to have a man want me for me, not for what I can do for him, I want to stop pushing what friends I do have away from me because I don't feel worthy.
I need to take control of my life, get to a healthy state of mind, so that god willing the next 40 years of my life will be better than the last 40 years.
So whether anybody reads this or not, I am going to use this journal for my benefit, and maybe in time I will get the courage up to put my self out there and try to communicate with others, afterall that is what I want. May this be the first step to the rest of my life.
I am going to be 44 this year, I am so tired of my life continuing down this same path. Self loathing, depression, pcos, lack of confidence, lonliness..these are things that I have let run my life since puberty.
I have never been the type of person to put myself out there whether it be online or in person, even on a site like this where the people that come here mostly suffer in some form or another, I don't feel like I fit in or can contribute.
I finally made an important Drs. appointment with an endocrinologist, I hope he can help and put me in the right direction, I don't want to be depressed anymore, I want to know what it feels like to have confidence, I want to be able to climb stairs and not feel like I am going to die before I reach the top, I want to be able to go into a store and not leave almost in tears because I can't find anything that will fit me, I want to know what it feels like to have a man want me for me, not for what I can do for him, I want to stop pushing what friends I do have away from me because I don't feel worthy.
I need to take control of my life, get to a healthy state of mind, so that god willing the next 40 years of my life will be better than the last 40 years.
So whether anybody reads this or not, I am going to use this journal for my benefit, and maybe in time I will get the courage up to put my self out there and try to communicate with others, afterall that is what I want. May this be the first step to the rest of my life.
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