Forgiveness
I have a long story and I am having a difficult time with forgiveness with my x husbands family. I was married to a man who was bipolar for 23 years. His ups and downs became unbearable and was affecting all of us. His temper and outbursts were scary and unpredictable. I filed for separation, and then he committed suicide. Prior to my husband committing suicide, one of his brother's wife wrote my husband a long letter about how he was a terrible father and I was a terrible mother. She also wrote my son a letter telling him that he was a loser who was basically no good. Additionally, she was spewing venom at my husband's funeral. She said that my Ralph and I were responsible for my husband's death and that we should take serious responsibility for my husband taking his own life. She told nearly everyone at the funeral (100 people) there. She told everyone I was a terrible mother and wife and made up many lies, part truths, and exaggerations. The story doesn't stop there, she started a college fund for my sons and collected money. Now, I don't care about that, but the money disappeared and it was from my husbands coworkers and my coworkers who were concerned about my children. I then moved out of state. Both my sons moved with me. I put my autistic child in a private school, and my Ralph entered college. He was majoring in engineering, working 2 jobs, tutoring veterans in computers, and programming computers for a private company. He was brilliant, but had his vices. When Ralph overdosed on fentanyl, we had a service for him. None of my x husbands family came except for his sister. My kids were very close to his side of the family, and even though they blame me for my husband's suicide I don't understand taking it out on my sweet Ralph. He deserves better. I don't care what they do or think about me it's irrelevant but my Ralph was treated like a nobody. People I didn't even know were kinder than all of his uncles. I'm really struggling with forgiveness of myself and of others. I know that this is part of grieving but I'm just hurt, mad, and upset for Ralph. They won't talk to my other son either, and he constantly asks about them. As if Ralph dying wasn't enough, this feels like punishment on top of misery. I'm struggling with grief, forgiveness, and moving forward. Just had to vent, it always feels good to just get it out there.
Chris
Chris
Replies
Oh Chris. I understand the pain and guilt. Yes, it is part of the grieving process. But what a mean, venomous woman and self centred family.! You did all you could for your husband. It is not your fault that he committed suicide. It was his choice. It is very possible that he would have followed the same path if you had not filed for separation.
How sad that they would not even go to Ralph\'s funeral. Neither you nor Ralph deserved to be treated that way.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Oh, Chris... I hear your heart and there is no way that your Ralph or any of you are deserving of this kind of behavior. When these kinds of things happen that feel so punishing I can only think that it\'s ALL about the other person and has nothing to do with you or your loved ones. Even knowing this on some level does not minimize the hurt that it causes, I know...
I was looking in my journal where I write quotes that I find that speak to my heart and wanted to share two of them on forgiveness: \" Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.\" (Marianne Williamson) ~~~ \"Forgiveness is a painful and difficult process. It\'s not something that happens over night. It\'s an evolution of the heart.\" (Sue Monk Kidd)
Be ever so gentle with these feelings and continue to vent as you are. The clarity that I receive when I can process and share has been invaluable for me and when you write such as you did you are helping not only yourself, yet countless others. For me, it helped me to go and find my journal of meaningful quotes that I am re-reading and finding much healing in doing so.
You are doing your best and that is enough for today... More than enough... Please hold onto that and give yourself the same grace and patience that you give others.
With love and the utmost of understanding,
XO Joanie
Oh darlin.....you poor dear. There is simply NO excuse for the behavior of your husbands family!! NONE. I am so very sorry.....first and foremost for the loss of your amazing son Ralph.....for the loss of your husband, although you were divorcing, it was a shock and a blow to your heart for sure.....and I\'m sorry you and your son are now going through the added pain of STUPID, SELFISH, UNCARING people.
There is just no making sense of any of it, so my only suggestion would be to \"try\" not to. You\'re just beating yourself up every time you try. There are people in this world who are simply incapable of LOVE. It appears your X in-laws fall into that category. These are the folks we need to separate ourselves from....and our thoughts....in order for us to live the our best life. Hard? Sure, it almost always is VERY hard to completely close the door on relationships, even toxic ones. But necessary and doable. I know. I\'ve lived that choice with my father with no regrets. Not even when I attended his funeral a few years ago. No regrets because ended that relationship, opened my life for positive energy and LOVE to find me and for me to be in a place to truly receive the goodness that was meant for me during my human experience.
But no matter how you decide to handle your situation, venting it out, here among friends, is a VERY healthy way to do it! So, I applaud you on that!
Wishing you PEACE and LOVE as you move forward in your journey toward healing.
I am still struggling with forgiveness.... it happens to be my brothers.... my growing up... I have not been able to forgive,,, not sure I ever will.. venting here is good for you.... so understand.... peace to your heart...
Chris, I\'m so sorry for all this pain and frustration you\'ve been enduring. It is so very sad that family can treat people with such cruelty. Such people are considered toxic and best to stay away from.
You are on a healing journey of deep grief, and peace and strength can only come from loving and supporting resources and people.
Tight hugs,
Diane
Chris,
I am so sorry your in-laws are placing guilt on you and your family. Moving away was probably the best thing you could do. It is just not fair having to deal with all this pain.
I am sending you love and hugs,
Leda
Thank you all for the support. I\'m just really disappointed and angry. It\'s just so sad how people can be in your lives for 20+ years and then just absolutely do everything they can to make your life miserable. Only I have the power to allow them to affect the way I feel, but after losing Ralph everything is amplified and everything feels so much worse. I love you all for helping me process this, Hugs to all of you,
Chris
Chris ~ I\'m so sorry that you are being treated that way by your ex\'s family. When a loved one has passed, the loving thing to do is be there for each other. However that is not always what happens. It\'s truly not fair when others abandon us or worse blame us. That kind of treatment can even compound the grief we are feeling.
I too am dealing with some unkind relatives since I lost my sons, Jeremy & Chad, 7 yrs ago. At first the anger, hurt & pain was almost too much to bear. For my sanity I have had to stay away from such people who brought negativity into my life. This was not easy being that one of the people is my mom. But I can say that staying away from them as brought peace to me. Perhaps for some of us this is just part of our self care.
You have understanding here & we sincerely care.
Hugs.....Vicki
Vicki,
I can\'t even imagine how you have managed. My heart has gone out to you so many times as I have read your journals, replies ect. With one son lost to drugs, I feel like I have nearly lost my sanity so many times. I\'m just so happy that someone who has suffered as much as you have can have the kindness in your heart to help me through this. It is appreciated. My love goes out to you. My biological brother was being negative and blaming, and we no longer talk since my son passed. For whatever reason, I am okay with this because we were never close and he has always been kind of a jerk. I\'m trying very hard to keep positive people in my life as that is the best way to walk through this difficult journey. Thanks for all of your support always,
Chris
Good for you Chris. Keeping yourself surrounded by positive people who love you, will most definitely help in your healing.
I am here for you.....you are a sister of the heart.
People never cease to amaze me...I am so sorry that you are having to deal with the unkindness of some. Grieving is a process...and there are so many things to grieve...it sounds like one of those things for you is finding a way to either forgive this family...or detach from them...love and gentle hugs...Karen