I lost my son 4 months ago he overdosed on a drug called fentanyl which I don't think he even knew what it was he was in college and had 2 jobs my world has been turned upside down and I can't believe the pain and sadness. I miss him everyday.i. I can't believe this has happened. I'm so sorry for all of us on this site and hope that you all take care of yourselves and I'm just take one day at a time,
Chris
Chris
Replies
Your loss is recent and oh, so very raw... I\'m beyond sorry that you have to endure this sorrow and hope you will be as gentle with yourself as you can be.
It is not a linear path and I have found feels more like a roller coaster with ups, downs and automatic pilot times. All of it is as it needs to BE so lean into the feelings and know that you are not going crazy even in those moments you are sure that you must be. In the feeling is the healing... This is a mantra for me that I read in one of my early grief books and it has helped me and perhaps may resonate for you.
This grief path takes so much energy so fill yourself up all that you can when you are able and know that you are surrounded by compassionate women who walk this with you. No answers, no quick fixes, no platitudes, just walking beside one another hand in hand and heart to heart.
Thank you, Chris, for writing your first journal as it takes courage to do so. I look forward to getting to know your son and you.
You are not alone,
Gentle care,
Joanie
Thank you for your reply, I feel sometimes like it\'s a bipolar rollercoaster that I\'m on full of pain and anguish. It\'s been 4 months, and I\'m still expecting him to walk through the door. I agree it feels sometimes like I am going crazy or that I\'m close to breaking. I\'m just trying to do this one day at a time. My other son is 17 and is highly functioning autistic. He isn\'t grieving for his brother which is easier in some ways but sad in others. He is a great kid, gets good grades, and wouldn\'t touch drugs or alcohol. I\'m constantly worried about him in an irrational way. I can\'t believe how much this has impacted every area of my life. I\'m grateful for the support that I have already gotten here. Thank you for writing me, and sharing your experiences with me.
Chris
It felt as if it took such a long time for my heart to wrap around what my mind was telling me about my son. There was such a huge disconnect and I expected him to walk through the door as well and to listen to his messages... Just knowing that what you are experiencing others have as well is a comfort and the entire purpose behind our gathering here on FMO. Only another mother who has suffered this traumatic loss understands this language of grief, loss and one day finding hope in the midst.
It\'s exhausting... Please do all that you can to nurture yourself and the worry about our earth side children does become more acute because that protective bubble of this only happens to others has been burst because it has happened to us. Deepest of sighs...
Stay close and you are doing your best to navigate this rough and rocky path. Minute by minute and day by day. That\'s all that can be asked and it is enough... More than enough...
Loving care dear Chris,
XO Joanie
Chris, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. My heart breaks whenever I hear of the loss of a child. I believe that it\'s the worst kind of loss in the world.
My son, Jared, passed on October 15, 2009 at the age of 26. I thought my life was over and couldn\'t even imagine living without the physical presence of my son. I was also in a fog, not know where I was going, what I was doing, just in a kind of limbo.
What I needed was to reach out for the help and support of other bereaved mothers. I needed to know how they managed to move on with their lives and with life in general. The support, encouragement and love I\'ve received from the amazing moms in this group have helped me and continue to help me in my healing of this heartache.
The important thing I feel, especially early on, is to take one moment, one breath, one step at a time. It\'s easier said than done, but for me it was the only way to survive the intense pain.
There are so many books about mourning the loss of a loved one. The one that I found most helpful is \"Healing After Loss - Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief\" written by Martha Whitmore Hickman (a bereaved mother who lost her 16 year old daughter). I sought out every possible resource to help me cope with this loss.
Now, five years later, the pain has softened and looking back I can see how much healing has taken place. Of course, I still miss and will always miss my son, but I am learning how to fit the loss into the fabric of my new \"normal\" life.
With a tight supporting hug,
Diane
It is comforting to know that others have gone through this horrific experience. I am trying to live one moment at a time, and I agree sometimes that is hard. I miss my Ralph everyday. I adored him, and he was doing so well, I can barely believe that it actually happened. Having him in my life was such a blessing. He was a loving supportive son, and the loss is so profound. The days go so slow sometimes, and work is difficult. It\'s hard to focus my brain on any tedious task. I\'m struggling with my job as well. Thank you all so much for writing me back. I\'m so sorry for all of us having lost our beautiful children. Hugs and thanks to you,
Chris
Hi Chris - I am so very sorry that you have experienced the worst possible loss a parent can go through. It is so devastating to lose a child and it\'s something that we, as parents don\'t ever expect to experience! It has been 15 months since losing my daughter and there are days that all I can do is breathe, there are days that I am in disbelief, there are days that I cry and cry.
As I was told here by these amazing moms, take one minute at a time, sometimes one second at a time. Remember to Breathe. Feelings are real and sometimes you just have to go with them in order to begin the slow process of healing.
I find it a long road, roller coaster riding @ times and this site is the only place that everyone truly understands. I\'m so glad you wrote - that has been such a help to me - yelling & screaming @ times, crying @ times and knowing a mom in this virtual world will understand and be there for me.
Sending hugs your way. Vicki
Vicki,
It\'s helpful to know what to expect basically the unexpected. I\'m grateful that I found this online support group. It\'s a place that I can share, vent, and be open about how I am feeling. Thank you, I\'m just trying to take one moment at a time.
Chris
Chris I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your son. You have come to a place of moms who understand your pain. I have found geniune support here & I\'m certain you will too.
I lost both of my sons to accidental drug overdose just 1 month apart. Feel free to read my journals & look at my photos. This is a way we get to know each other & our children. I look forward to getting to know you & your precious son. Sending you gentle hugs.....Vicki ( Jeremy & Chad\'s mom )
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious son...I lost my son in 2006, and there is not a day that I do not think of him or want to share something with him. Sometimes I \"feel\" him close to me or swear I can hear his voice...
We are mothers and will always want to know where our children are, if they are ok, if we will be reunited once more...I feel that my son is peaceful and that our energy will be reunited one day...
This has become a journey of healing, self-discovery and renewed hope for me...
Gentle care & welcome to ForMomsOnly
AnnM
Thank you for all of the encouragement. I do believe that I will be united with my sweet Ralph again. I just miss him so much, and can\'t believe he is gone. Life is so different without him now. I\'m glad that I found such a supportive place to talk about my journey. With love and appreciation
Chris
Chris...I glad you found us. Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever lived through. It is so big. It touches every part of our being. And it takes a long time to process it all. There is so much to grieve..his future...your future...it isn\'t the way you thought it would be. Each of us here has felt the things you feel or will feel. It feels like a long time since Ralph transitioned...but it really is a blink of an eye. It has been nearly 8 years for me...and I think of Alex every day. But also enjoy life. You will enjoy life again too...even though I know that seems impossible now. Continue to write...it does help. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
I\'m so very sorry for the loss of your son. I too like many here, lost a child. I lost my son in an auto accident and I remember vividly those first few months and thinking he would be coming through the door or texting me. Holidays and special events that his friends enjoyed were indeed anguish for a very long time. Some how the sun does slowly rise and one day we cry a little less and we even smile and then another bad day hits us and then all over again we ride the roller coaster. In time it will ease. Like Karen above, I think of my son daily but I also enjoy the other blessings in my life and take comfort knowing one day we will be with our children. Prayers for strength and comfort. Much love. Robin
I found myself worrying about my other son in an unrational way, everyone I loved for that matter. My son grieved much differently but just as much, as did my husband. Each one of us grieves at different times and differently than others, even in the same family.
Sending love,
Leda
I have experienced the same thing. The first 2 months, I kept looking at my phone hoping that he would text me or call me even though I shut off his phone. Everytime I heard noises, I hoped that it would be him walking through the door. A big part of me still does those things, but it is less now than a couple months ago but it\'s still a very intense feeling to not have him in this physical world. I miss my sweet Ralph so much. Thank you for your thoughts and experiences that you have shared. Losing a child is the hardest loss. My husband committed suicide 3 years ago when we were having some marital trouble, and it took me a year before I was able to fully function. This is so much worse. I\'m numb going on autopilot. Experiencing the world through new lenses. I believe you all that life is possible, but as you all know it is so difficult at this point to accept what has happened to the sweet child I brought into this world.
You have suffered so much tragedy, with the loss of your husband & son. I don\'t totally understand your pain, but I can imagine it\'s excruciating. For Moms Only is a place where you can come for compassion & support anytime. Gentle hugs new friend.....Vicki