Today
Hooray today I found that I can write my journal on my iPad which is by my side night and day and has been my best friend since this nightmare began.
I know I have written on here about feeling OK but now mostly I just feel empty. I am just aware of this horrible nagging hole in my soul where I used to know my son was alive and well. Every day now and every waking hour I just feel this empty feeling and pain knowing he is gone. Oh how I wish I had a recording of his voice as I am terrified that in 1, 2, 5 , 10 years time I will not be able to remember his saying Hi Mom.
When I look at his picture there is an overwhelming disconnect between my intelligent mind which knows he is gone and my other brain which cannot comprehend it. I thi k one of the main challenges with a suicide is how to handle the images that one conjures up of our loved ones last minutes on this earth. Was he scared? How could he go through with it. I don't want to picture his lying in a field in the dark with a bag over his head. My beautiful son. It is such a horrible death. Thank God I did not have to find his body as some have to. Imjust don't want to be haunted by these thoughts but it is almost impossible not to let them creep into your mind.
If he had died from disease or accident I wouldn't have all the questions and guilt. I would still have the pain but acceptance would be easier. The fact that HE chose to end his life in a cold calculated manner where he had planned it and gone out the day befor and purchased what he needed to do it. I just can't imagine how he went through with it. He had all that time why couldn't he have given me one last phone call or written me a letter.
I can only try and imagine that he is not dead but just gone away to a far off land where they do not have phone or email. I look at all his baby and school pictures and feel so sad, he was such a happy child.
It is hard knowing that this is a life sentence and every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life I will have this scar in my heart and soul.
I am so grateful that I had him for 23 years but so so sad he is gone. Life has no meaning now but I guess the goal is to find a new meaning. It is going to be a long hard road ahead.
I know I have written on here about feeling OK but now mostly I just feel empty. I am just aware of this horrible nagging hole in my soul where I used to know my son was alive and well. Every day now and every waking hour I just feel this empty feeling and pain knowing he is gone. Oh how I wish I had a recording of his voice as I am terrified that in 1, 2, 5 , 10 years time I will not be able to remember his saying Hi Mom.
When I look at his picture there is an overwhelming disconnect between my intelligent mind which knows he is gone and my other brain which cannot comprehend it. I thi k one of the main challenges with a suicide is how to handle the images that one conjures up of our loved ones last minutes on this earth. Was he scared? How could he go through with it. I don't want to picture his lying in a field in the dark with a bag over his head. My beautiful son. It is such a horrible death. Thank God I did not have to find his body as some have to. Imjust don't want to be haunted by these thoughts but it is almost impossible not to let them creep into your mind.
If he had died from disease or accident I wouldn't have all the questions and guilt. I would still have the pain but acceptance would be easier. The fact that HE chose to end his life in a cold calculated manner where he had planned it and gone out the day befor and purchased what he needed to do it. I just can't imagine how he went through with it. He had all that time why couldn't he have given me one last phone call or written me a letter.
I can only try and imagine that he is not dead but just gone away to a far off land where they do not have phone or email. I look at all his baby and school pictures and feel so sad, he was such a happy child.
It is hard knowing that this is a life sentence and every single minute of every single day for the rest of my life I will have this scar in my heart and soul.
I am so grateful that I had him for 23 years but so so sad he is gone. Life has no meaning now but I guess the goal is to find a new meaning. It is going to be a long hard road ahead.
Replies
The balance between knowing and accepting....gosh it\'s hard to find! Kala was in a car accident. She left home that night happy. She was in a good place, and I\'m so very thankful. We\'d had a long, hard road together. And even though she was in a good place, and hers was an accident, I too had questions, guilt, and horrible visions of her last moments. The coroner told me that Kala had broken her neck. He described it very \"doctorly\" and proclaimed to me that she felt no pain, that it has been instant upon impact. Comforting thoughts....and yet all my mind could see is my beautiful daughter slumped over in her car with her head half off. That vision tormented me for a long time. And truthfully if I allow it, I can be right back there screaming and crying and visualizing it. But I\'ve managed to be able to visualize the beauty of Kala, her life on earth, and her life now in Paradise in such a real way, such a deep and powerful way, that those horrible first visions do not control me any longer. I can\'t really say how or when, all I know is that in time I\'ve gotten to where I am today. And if you\'d ask any mom here who\'s lost a child to disease if they have or had any guilt, you\'d get a hardy YES from most if not all. There\'s always something we feel guilty about...always. Whether rightfully so or not, we feel guilty simply because our child passed. One thing I know for sure my darling friend, there is no \"easier\" way to lose a child. No, I can\'t begin to understand planning; purchasing certain items and then executing the plan....I can\'t begin to imagine the thoughts, the emotions, that must run through ones mind as they prepare. I can only know that now your precious son is healed and whole and alive as never before in LOVE and TRUTH of being. My survival has been 100% hinged on my belief that Kala IS...not was...certainly not dead. It is from this knowing in my heart of hearts that my healing comes. I wish you peaceful thoughts and a gentle day my dear friend~~Teri.
I can hear my Morgan say \"hi mom\" in my head and I know that will never stop. That hole in my heart I also know will never mend. All those questions you have will never be answered until you meet again, peace to your heart, Nora
I could have written your journal entry. I feel exactly as you do, down to the last word. I\'ve even tried to pretend, as you say, that my daughter is off in graduate school. The last few days have been hell, maybe it\'s the six month anniversary coming up, maybe it\'s the actual reality that can\'t be ignored. I want to know why...why didn\'t she reach out for help to the people put there for that purpose, me, her counselor, her psychiatrist, even her online friends -- she never said a word about any of this \"torment\" and \"pain\" she said in her letter had been affecting her for \"years\". I have no words of comfort for you, I have no words of comfort for myself. I\'ll never forget her \"hi, it\'s me\" phone voice. I still have the caller ID from the two calls she made to me that day, one just a minute or two before she took her life. I\'m tired of this grief, this agony, this missing her. No one in my life now to care if I live or die, to love me unconditionally as we loved each other, to admire me, to validate my existence: no one. Never will be. No one can take her place. I\'ve thought seriously of ending my life in the past few days because I\'ve been so overwhelmed by gut wrenching horror, but that would go against what I believe and wouldn\'t be much of a legacy for her, who suffered so much. I hate being alive, I hate waking up every morning, I can\'t stop the thoughts of what she did, how she did it, using MY credit card, lying to me. I wonder what would have happened IF ONLY I had remembered her watching the You Tube video on how to load a shotgun and Iwonder WHY didn\'t I remember that????? WHY did I let her go that day?? She\'d be in long term hospital care now, most likely, and I\'d have had a nervous breakdown because thats where I was headed, and fast. I can\'t believe any of this actually happened, it\'s all too surreal, like a very bad lifetime movie. I\'m sorry you have to endure this and I wish I was in a place where I could offer you some comfort. The only thing keeping me alive is God.
Ann -- Toby died die of a disease -- depression is one of the worse diseases there is. My Jason was a suicide and I know what you mean by the haunting imaginations. It\'s been a little longer for me, Jason has been gone 5 months and the thoughts are turning to more positive things.
You will never forget his voice....I can assure you of that. My mother died 25 years ago and I can still hear her voice in my mind...You will NEVER forget Toby\'s voice.
I understand what you are saying about the disconnect between your thinking mind and something deep inside of you. The conscious mind says he\'s gone but the subconscious says - NO ! I think the subconscious knows something the conscious doesn\'t.. the subconscious is connected to the energy of the Universe and it knows that no one is really ever gone. We are eternal energy, spirits, souls (whatever you want to call us) and life goes on -- it can not be stopped -- You will see Toby again. Sending love and prayers for peace. Terry
The deep anguish and sorrow that you are feeling is universal among all woman who have lost their beloved children. Somehow knowing this brings a level of comfort to me. I think all of us have to go back to their final breaths whether we witnessed it or not and it is part of the healing. We have to create that tiny synapse that becomes the bridge from our hearts to our minds to even be able to comprehend such a tragic loss. What you are experiencing and feeling is as it needs to be for now and will slowly change as you heal these multitudes of layers. I never imagined there could be so many yet there are. Your mother\'s heart will never ever forget those things that you worry about. Your son\'s voice, his mannerisms, his smell, his love for you... all of it is the gift of that deep bond that will exist forever. I understand, I feared the same things yet somehow my heart remembers... yours will too. I honor all of your feelings and send peace and comfort to those places that feel so raw and uncomfortable. Love and hugs, Joanie
hugs to you the feeling of emptyness is such a horrible feeling i send healing thoughts your way
Ann my heart goes out to you. One thing I have learned is we can\'t let the Why\'s, What If\'s, Could of\'s and should of\'s consume us. Those options of knowing are gone. I think that when depression gets so deep into someone they can;t see any good in their life. They can only see the depression and feel like they have been depressed for years. Some of my family and friends tell me I should go see a therapist but I am sure they would want to put me on anti-depressants and the side of effect of most of them is suicide. You are in my prayers and you have alot of support on here.
Anne, as you know, my son died by suicide....he shot himself....it is so very hard to write those words...it has been almost 30 months. You will go through the motions, the questions, the guilt...and no one but those of us who have experienced the sad loss by suicide of a child can ever really understand WHY we feel this guilt. It is the horror of knowing that we could have played a role in their sadness to make what SEEMS a decision to leave us....WHAT????? We did all we could and would have done more....but nevertheless, we beat ourselves up with these thoughts....that kind of guilt is what we live with after a child dies by suicide....but I believe, after hours upon hours, books upon books, artcle after article, that it was the result of something gone wrong.....and perhaps not a decision at all...but the finality of their disease. Of course, all mothers feel some sort of guilt whenever a child dies...we borrow it...we then OWN it if we are not careful. Guard your heart and mind with only comfort and peace from God. He will not deny you that. I am a firm believer and have not been dissatisfied...except in the beginning when I did not understand. Now, after a time...I have come to an understanding of sorts...and you will, too...but you have to travel down this road, unfortunately, to get to a peaceful destination...conclusion. Guilt is one of those things that will creep up from time to time, quite possibly until it subtley vanishes one day.
I pray for you peace....God\'s good peace for your heart and mind...and then your spirit will soar to places you can only imagine until that day....
love,
dale...brandon\'s mom
My son died not by suicide, but just did not wake up. He had everything to live for a son on the way a beautiful loving girlfriend who he wanted to marry, and he excepted her daughter as his own. I do not believe that a method is any differant from another the fact that our child is gone is so consuming. My head and my heart are still not in sinc with the knowledge of the fact he is gone....
Big bear hug Penny
Our sorrow is the same in many ways and different in others...but I lost my Alex to a motorcycle accident...so the horror of how he looked or his fear still make me cry in a moment...the guilt that I could not convince him not to have a bike aches in my heart and mind. So even though our loss is different...we each have our anquish that is not so different. I let myself think about those things early on...but soon learned to stop the thoughts...and choose something else about Alex to focus on. It is a slow process that over time you find your own ways to deal or cope. The hole will remain...with a very thin scar over it...love and hugs...Karen
OH sweetie, there are no words - we all have guilt one way or another...all the \"what ifs\" and \" if onlys \". They will destroy you if you let them - so don\'t you let them.....and as Terry so wisely said, Toby died from a illness - that is so intangible and invisible. It is such a fine line. Peace to you ~ Joanna