scared

im terrified today. im scared and sad. i slept for a while last night, i didnt dream that i remember. i do that sometimes. its far worse when i cant remember them. i wake panicked and outta sorts, i just dont know why. if i knew what the dreams were i could deal with it and say its okay. when you dont remember the dreams you cant say exactly what is scaring you and then you wish there was something concrete to be able to say aha thats why. today i am terrified at the thought of having to leave the house in a couple of days. the thought of having to go out into the world with all the people out there, im already tearing up and can feel the panic slowly seeping through every inch of my heart. i wish all the bad would go away. i wish that i could be "normal" for once. what is normal anyway. just everyones ideas of how people should look and feel and respond. normal is crappy when you get down to it i guess. i just want to feel happy and confident more than sad and unsure. i am having a horrible time coping. im still better than used to be i guess. at least i am using the constructive coping strategies still. i gets harder and harder to fight off wanting to use the destructive stuff that i know used to make me feel better. sometimes the urge to be destructive is overwhelming. at least i can say i havent given in yet. and with gods strength backing me i am positive i wont. but the lure is so strong. the thought just sits there teasing you and you think just once just to get through the pain this once i will, but somewhere back there your common sense kicks in and says hell no girl what you mean even thinking that. i dont know, maybe i need to remember that its okay to have to take it minute by minute instead of trying to prove im okay and have a plan for the next 30 years. i just didnt want to have to do that. i hate backsliding i hate him i hate the fact that i have to go out in a couple of days i hate and hate and hate right now. i have to remember the love sometime and it will come in due time. i guess its okay to be pitiful and wanna just crawl back into bed and make the world go away. but since i am outta bed, i resolve to stay outta bed and to take care of me today. tommorrow i can deal with everything else. sometimes the procrastination comes in use i guess:) starting to feel a little better