dreams
Sitting here reading others entries and thinking thinking, I to have dreams of my beautiful daughter, Thank you God for them, I get to hold her see her ,rub her back ,she loved that it seems so real. when I wake up there is mixed emotions I feel good and bad. They do not come as often and her face is fading,I used to just think of her and she would be there . Now its hard ,its fuzzy. I miss her so ,I know she gone I face all that, it is part of what we go through , I am guilty a lot ,I feel I should of saved her, but I realize no matter how much we did there would always would be some thing else we could of done. When our children were here I really did not know how deep my love was for her,deeper then the depth of the sea., I truly want to say That I am sorry I do not keep up with every one passing day or birthday,I some time live like this has not happened and it gets me through ,O then I am hit with the truth it it throws me for a loop. It is a merry go round in my life. But we have to do what we have to do to get by. With my health conditions stress makes me very sick. Life moves on with or with out us and I am moving one step at a time ,some times its one step back and then one step forward. But the lord is taking those steps with me no matter which way I am going.
Replies
i know my dear friend its so hard for you i cant imagine if you feel up to it sometime id love to hear about your daughter how old etc id like to get to know her too i think the more you tallk about her shes still with you and you know she would want say to you dont worry mom we will be together again one day and you will may god give you strength hang on my dear girl sending you prayers and compfort
u are blessed to have whatever memories u have squarley . i could never have babies or adopt and it is one of the biggest regrets i have in my life . god bless u ..barri
Squarley I hear much wisdom in your reflections as you realize that as much as you wish you could have saved your daughter, you know ultimately you couldn\'t. That is incredibly brave and courageous to be able to say and to name the feelings of guilt you carry within. Your daughter\'s choices were not from a lack of love, they were simply her choices; and does hurt deeply when our children make choices that go against or contradict how we raised them, or what we wish for them - but we can not take on the responsibility for their choices.
Holding on to the false guilt is only hurting you and causing you more stress and pain.
I pray the merry-go-round slows down, that you may have times of stillness and peace, knowing you are loved.
Thank you all so much for responding ,all this helps me get through, your each blessed in different ways in helping me. Thank you for your kindness,it is like the glue that holds me together ,much love to all Squarley
We love and miss them every moment. They were and are our special babies , our angels. They are suppose to be here with us sharing in the moment. But it is not to be. We treasure our memries that we allow are selves to remember on the days when the pain is not so sharp. We treasure all those thoughts and we pray we never forget. But we long to hear them and touch them and tell them we love them just one more time. Hugs to you Wendy