Missing You
Dear Nick:
I am writing to you (through Fred, The Journal) in hopes that by the time I have finished this grief attack that snuck up out of now where will be over. I was doing really fairly well. Karen & I just got back from a complementary night's stay at the new motel Fort Hall has opened by the casino. We also had comp tickets to a country western concert that was really pretty good. I know that coming home is always difficult so as soon as I got home I got busy. I brushed all the kitties, cleaned litter boxes, did some general picking up around the house and started the laundry. I put on csome CDs that do not remind me of anything you & I used to go or go. I was doing fine.... until about 30 minutes ago. The damned Grief Monster must have been hiding somewhere because he sure jumped out and grabbed me. Talk about a surprise attack. I tried to ignore hime but he finally got a really good hold right around the heart area.
Nick, even after this long there are times I hurt so badly inside I woulod like to curl up and die. Today the ache and loneliness is just as intense as it was at first. I am so hollow inside today and only you can fill that spot. This is a problem because I know you can't. I haven't had this bad of Grief Attack for some time now which I am grateful for. Hopefully this intensity will not last for too long. I know it will pass so I will just hang on a bit.
I just wish you and I were sitting at the bar at Texas Roadhouse, our usual Sunday spot. You'd be drinking one of their draft beers and complaining because they never did get draft "Blue Moon" back. I would be drinking one of their margaritas. We'd be eating peanuts by the dozens and visiting with who ever was also sitting at the bar and also with who ever was the bar tender.
The domino group went there for dinner one night. I tried it since it has been over a year. However, it was not a good experience. The food tasted awful to me. I could hardly keep from crying. When I was leaving I passed the chairs at the bar where we always sat. Many of the names they had put on the chairs are gone now but one still had the name tag. It was one of ours. That was about 3 weeks ago and the visit still haunts me. I guess I won't be going back by myself but I sure wish you were with me today sitting at the bar, eating peanuts and visiting.
Today even looking at our patio deck makes me cry. I keep remembering the many times we spent lazy hours watching the birds in our trees and at the feeder. I miss those times Nick and most of all, I miss you, your companionship, your sharp wit and even a little bit of your sarcasm. It was just good.... having your companionship no matter what form it took.
I just had to take a moment to write to you letting you know how much you are missed and still loved. Hopefully this intense pain and sadness will be gone and then the memories of you will bring happiness without the grief attached.
Love to you always,
Darlene August 19,2012
I am writing to you (through Fred, The Journal) in hopes that by the time I have finished this grief attack that snuck up out of now where will be over. I was doing really fairly well. Karen & I just got back from a complementary night's stay at the new motel Fort Hall has opened by the casino. We also had comp tickets to a country western concert that was really pretty good. I know that coming home is always difficult so as soon as I got home I got busy. I brushed all the kitties, cleaned litter boxes, did some general picking up around the house and started the laundry. I put on csome CDs that do not remind me of anything you & I used to go or go. I was doing fine.... until about 30 minutes ago. The damned Grief Monster must have been hiding somewhere because he sure jumped out and grabbed me. Talk about a surprise attack. I tried to ignore hime but he finally got a really good hold right around the heart area.
Nick, even after this long there are times I hurt so badly inside I woulod like to curl up and die. Today the ache and loneliness is just as intense as it was at first. I am so hollow inside today and only you can fill that spot. This is a problem because I know you can't. I haven't had this bad of Grief Attack for some time now which I am grateful for. Hopefully this intensity will not last for too long. I know it will pass so I will just hang on a bit.
I just wish you and I were sitting at the bar at Texas Roadhouse, our usual Sunday spot. You'd be drinking one of their draft beers and complaining because they never did get draft "Blue Moon" back. I would be drinking one of their margaritas. We'd be eating peanuts by the dozens and visiting with who ever was also sitting at the bar and also with who ever was the bar tender.
The domino group went there for dinner one night. I tried it since it has been over a year. However, it was not a good experience. The food tasted awful to me. I could hardly keep from crying. When I was leaving I passed the chairs at the bar where we always sat. Many of the names they had put on the chairs are gone now but one still had the name tag. It was one of ours. That was about 3 weeks ago and the visit still haunts me. I guess I won't be going back by myself but I sure wish you were with me today sitting at the bar, eating peanuts and visiting.
Today even looking at our patio deck makes me cry. I keep remembering the many times we spent lazy hours watching the birds in our trees and at the feeder. I miss those times Nick and most of all, I miss you, your companionship, your sharp wit and even a little bit of your sarcasm. It was just good.... having your companionship no matter what form it took.
I just had to take a moment to write to you letting you know how much you are missed and still loved. Hopefully this intense pain and sadness will be gone and then the memories of you will bring happiness without the grief attached.
Love to you always,
Darlene August 19,2012
Replies
HI Darlene
I am so sorry to hear you are having a hard time. I know how you feel, i have been wrestling with the grief monster myself ever since, My one year anniversary
It is overwhelming how the grief just jumps up and grabs you.
I am thinking for you My Big Sister
LOTS OF LOVE & HUGS
Your Little Sister
Jen
Darlene,
Yes the grief monster does know when we are vulnerable and ready to pounce on our hearts.
They say time will heal but I say God will heal in the time you send that grief monster to Him.
I know this because I lost my sister just weeks before I lost my Carmelo. It was a big heart wrenching blow but when I tried to ride the grief on my own, the time did not take it away.
The only way I am able to have joy in my heart again is by giving my pain to God and asking him to replace it with His joy.
He answered my prayer and did it but He did it by letting me feel the joy only when I can first feel compassion for others. In turn, I can help them by praying for them and talking to them. I will be praying for you Darlene.
Every time the grief monster visits, you become stronger and the next visit he will not be as big as the last visit.
Hugs & God Bless,
Judy
Darlene,
It is scary and amazing that grief monster....it is relentless and I am very very sorry it ambushed you, especially in old favorite places you shared with Nick.
Sending a warm hug and hopes that you feel better now and will have comfort and peace......
THE GRIEF monster lays in wait until you are on an even keel, and the zaps you from no where sweet Darlene. And when he does/ you just gotta lay down for a while and let it happen...let your emotions go. it\'s the only way to defeat the bastard.
and after, you get up and start the walk again, stronger than before...that\'s the way you kick its ass. You let it know you will feel it, and keep on moving..... then YOU WIN.
I know it had to be so HARD seeing those stools. so many thing STILL are hard for me...but i do them.....and kick that grief monsters ass all the way back to where he came from....that\'s just what you did...and that is WHY YOU ARE A SUPERHERO....AND I AM PROUD OF YOU...
LOVE YOU LOTS DEAR SWEET FREIND...XOXOXO DIANE
Darlene, I am so sorry to hear that the grief monster is paying you another visit....this has got to be the worst visitor EVER !!!! I think it is time we SLAY IT !!! so it does not return. Even when we are not polite to it, it still returns.......what is with that!!!
I hope it does not stay with you long and you can remember that happy memories with smiles and laughter and less tears......hugs
Darlene,
I know many times we can plan for the likely possibilities of being overwhelmed with grief---special days, anniversaries---but the sneak attacks seem especially hard because I haven\'t \"steeled\" myself for it. As you said in your journal---you will make it through this. That is the part at this time in our grief----we know we will make it, but it hurts to have that intense pain.
Sending you hugs and understanding,
Sallie