THANKSGIVING!

11-24-09:  First of all, I am back on my anti-depressant.  I don't think it helps and then when I don't take it for two days, I notice a difference. I think Thanksgiving is as hard for me as Christmas.  As I told a friend of mine, Scotty used to pick turkey off the bird before it was carved...I would playfully slap his hand and then pick a piece off for myself.  I make Gooey Butter Cake the day before.   When I got up in the morning, one piece was gone...you guessed it.  And, when he was younger, I used to make fudge.  He would be at his grandparents home (adjoining farms) and run across the field (1/3 mile) for a piece of fudge and a glass of milk.  Then, he would run back to their house.  These were things only Scott ever did.  I miss him so much. Losing so many others, recently, brought back so many memories.  It was like picking at a scab only to have a fresh wound.  I HATE funeral homes.  I hate the visitation, service, etc.  Although none affect me like Scott, they do make me think.  Mostly, I don't like to think.  I feel numb at these events.  I don't really cry.  I think others think me cold. (I don't care)  But, it is not that I am not sad of their passing, I am. It is just that it makes me think of Scott's passing and service.  That is never a nice thing!  I really want to remember Scott and feel joy in my memories.  For now, the memories just make me sad.  Oh, I am so blessed to have them.  I know that.  But, I know the memories are all I have, now.  I want him here!  I also know there are many who feel the same way.  There are many who have lost their only child or more than one.  I can't EVEN imagine!  But, the knowing does not help my ache.  I think if I had a dozen children and lost one, I would feel the same way. Anyway, the holidays are upon us.  I keep telling myself "One breath at a time."  I have said that to so many.  Now, if I can remember to take my own advice!  The journey continues!