Monday, Aug.4, '08: It is crazy HOT! We did not go on the houseboat yesterday and I am glad! Mark had to work so we are going this coming Sat. It will be better 'cause the temps should just be around 90 instead of 100! It does make a difference! I actually called an old friend today. She has called me several times and I am ashamed to say I have never called back. She & I were hospital room-mates when I had Chris. Her son is 4 days older than Chris and they have always been friends. Anyway, we are going to meet on the 13th for lunch. It is a big jump for me to call someone. Good for Me! And "good for me" on another thing!....My friend that is coming in from KS called and wanted to bring a friend of hers (who I know & like) and her 10 yr. old son, so we could all go on a float trip. A little over a year ago I probably would've sucked it up and said ok. This time I just told her that was a bit much for me right now. She understood. But like Craig said, if they want to make a little vacation of it, they should just go to the place, stay there, and I will meet them if I can. I will probably suggest that to her when she comes. I think the float trip sounds fun. It is the idea of company, that is not a close friend, coming. And also a boy. I love kids, you all know that. I am just not used to them in my house anymore. At least not for more than a couple of hours. I am still a little "iffy" about many things. Adam is ok. He is in a pretty big funk but not so cranky. He stayed with his grandpa a couple of days and I think that helped. Chris is sort of depressed right now, too. I guess it just comes and goes for everyone. Poor Craig has had to work in this miserable weather. The humidity is the hardest part. It has made it feel about 110 degrees. Now, that is just too hot! He almost got sick today. I am sending lots of salty stuff for lunch as well as Gatorade. It is supposed to cool a bit on Wed. with lower humidity. My dryer is not heating so today I took off the vent hose, cleaned it and the screen really well, put it back together and it is still not heating. (that has helped before) I guess I will try to take the heating element off tomorrow and see if I can repair it. I know nothing about this stuff but I am going to try to learn! I am also going to rearrange everything in the utility room. That will be hard as it will require everything to be moved out, cleaned, and moved back in to another place. I was going to do it today, but got up too late. I thought about tomorrow, but my friend from Kansas is coming in on Wed. so I really need to straighten the house a bit. I guess it will have to wait until Sunday, at least. I dread the whole thing, but know I will feel better when it is done. It will function a lot better. I think. I have been going through some papers that were in that room and ran into a bunch of stuff from when all the boys were younger. It was kind of bitter-sweet on all counts. I am putting Chris' stuff in a box to give to him as soon as he gets his kitchen complete. His world is just too full of remodeling right now. Not all of it but things like grade cards, reports, awards, etc. Good Grief! I am a pack rat! Anyway, if he wants to throw it away that is ok but I just can't. I will keep Adam's for now, of course, 'cause he still lives here. And, I will save Scott's also. Some of those things made me cry.....cards he made for me, etc. I still haven't started packing his things away. The plastic, see-through container is still sitting on the floor by his closet. I guess I am getting closer. It may be cold weather...who knows? Well, for the moment, I am ok. I guess. I am almost afraid when I start to feel even a little bit normal. I guess I am so used to being so sad, "normal" doesn't feel right. Another crazy part of this journey, I guess!
Replies
Try normal a little more often. It really does feel good to smile again. Sounds like you are venturing out a bit more. It\'s OK to take your time on packing things. Everyone does things at there own pace. I packed A.J.\'s things very quickly in clear bins but I doubt I will ever go through them anytime soon. Hope you get a break from the weather soon. It\'s over 100 here too. Love Robin
I\'m just learning about the ups and downs on this journey; it\'s sure is up and down. I think it\'s nice that you have kept your kids reports and things, I have mine too in a box and one day, probably a long way off yet, I will look through Frazer\'s. I hope the heat gives you a break. Good luck with fixing your dryer, good on you! Hugs. Charlotte.
It sounds as though you are starting some healing. Be patient with yourself, you will know when you are ready for more. Sometimes, I think of the crazy things that Jamie did and smile--I am trying to concentrate on those things, instead of my loss (doesn\'t always work), but I am trying! Hugs! Judy
I just loved reading this entry. The progress you are making is heartwarming and I\'m so happy for you. Being a person myself who has difficulty saying no, I admire your ability to put yourself out there and say no to the other lady and her sons visit. Regaining your power is a tremendous step forward and will help in so many areas. And, having the desire to go out for lunch with someone you haven\'t seen in a while just shows that you are starting to take in interest in the outside world again. That too is great. Keep listening to your inner voice, dear. It tells you how much you can do and what you are not ready to do. I still can\'t do a lot of things I used to do. I can\'t handle crowds, so there are many places I used to go that I avoid right now. But, that\'s ok! And, there are still people from before that I\'m not ready to socialize with, and that\'s ok, too! We take one step at a time and love ourselves for every little baby step. Big *Hug* to you, my friend. Adrianne
I am so proud of you...taking care of yourself must be a priority...and if that means saying no to people then you must. I know that now it is okay for me to say...out loud...what I cannot or do not want to do because it is too much. I also think that you can take as long as you need (years) to take care of his things...it is whatever you think...keep putting one foot in front of the other my friend...love and hugs...Karen
Saying no to people is alright in my book in our cases. I\'m sure your friend will understand. We just do what ever we can do. It sound like you are progessing nicely and remember we all love you ...Hugs, Connie