STUCK!
I want to say, 1st of all, thank you, to all, for your support, comments, and good thoughts. I am not being much of a friend right now. I haven't been sending many hugs, messages, etc. But, please know, you are all constantly in my thoughts. I am struggling. Maybe it is because Scott's angel date is approaching. Maybe it is because Mother's Day is near. Mostly, I think, it is because I am just stuck. I can't seem to get past certain things. I have had to cut back on counseling because of finances. That has slowed progress, I think. I feel so lost. I miss Scott so much! As I told someone, I don't know how we can have this much pain and live. I thought I might be sick. Apparently not. I went to the Dr. and had multiple tests. I am very healthy. Blood is good. Chest x-ray is good. Other lab is good. Heart is good. But, it is broken. That is where the problem is. I am like Humpty Dumpty, I think. I just feel lousy because of grief. There is no pill or cure for that. I don't know what to do. I would like to enjoy something, sometime, again. Oh, I have moments of pleasure. But it is not the old me. The smile never comes quite to my eyes. The joy never fully encloses my heart. I just feel like I am going through the motions. I don't really care if I live or not. That bothers me, too. I have two other children. So many of you have none and that breaks my heart even more. It seems like I should feel better because of them. I do feel very blessed but I do not feel better. I do value & appreciate my time with them even more. But, I always valued that time. A lot. Like I said, I am just stuck. I have always, before, been a positive person. Now, I am not really negative, I just am. It is frustrating because I want to enjoy life again. But how can I? I know I will never be the same. How can I get this new me to fit in? Not just fit in with the world but fit in with myself. I don't even know myself anymore, it seems. It is a crazy notion to be a stranger to your own self. This whole journey is crazy!
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