CONFUSED

Okay..I am confused.  The Compassionate Friend's friends are the ones who wanted to go see Chris.  I talked to one of them about noon, yesterday, and it was all confirmed.  It the meantime, I had talked to another couple of my friends and invited them.  We had a table reserved, etc.  At 5:30 p.m., the CF friend I talked to called and cancelled " because she couldn't handle driving by herself and the other lady had cancelled."  I offered to pick her up and told her to think about it and call me back in 30 min.  She never called at all.  Still hasn't.  That would've been ok except that I had called my other friends, turned down another opportunity, and was ready to go.  So, good sport that he his, my husband went with me and we saw Chris.  That was great but my husband also changed his plans so I wasn't alone.  Why am I confused?  Well, on a "normal" day and with a "normal" person this is very rude and annoying.  On the other hand, she is a grieving Mom also and we are unpredictable.  But, sometimes, I think we just have to suck it up.  She lost her son 3 years ago.  But, then I feel like I am not being understanding enough because we all take our journey's at our own pace.  But, she made these plans.  I moved my world around to acccomadate her.  But when it came to accomadating me, it didn't matter.  I just don't know....She is entitled to her way.  At the same time, I don't tolerate people, or myself, being inconsiderate for any reason.  I think my best bet is just to not make any more plans with her.  Making plans and preparing for them is hard enough without having them turned upside down.  On the up side, I did get to see my son and his girlfriend, visit with another of my best friend's, and got out a little while.  It is just the feeling part I am having a tough time with.  At my last counseling session I touched on this....I was who I was before Scott's death.  Now I am who I am which includes this grieving person.  I do not like it.  It is up to me, since apparently I am meant to live for the time being,  to learn how to live without Scott and not have his death consume me forever.  I will always grieve.  I will always miss him.  I will always have the what if's. I will always cry.  But, I do not want that to be my  whole life. I don't want to wear it on my sleeve or as like a badge of honor.  I hate it!  Scott, I know, would be angry.  I didn't care about that for a while.  But now, as the dust is settling, I know he would hate me this way, all the time!  He used to tell me when I was troubled, "Mom, just do what I do, go sit on the screened in porch, look at the sky and listen to nature.  It will make you feel better."  Such wise words.  Scott had a lot of troubles.  But he did practice what he preached and he lived every moment of his life the way he wanted to.  I am going to try and take his advice.