I had a major meltdown last night before bed.  I didn't even realize I was crying until tears started to puddle on the table.  I had things to think about from my last EMDR therapy and I wrote about it last night. It was hard but  I think another part has come together.  I hope so. This is what I wrote, parenthesis are thoughts:  My Son Is Dead  Scott... Scott! Scott!!!!  Oh my God! ( He's dead!  His stomach isn't moving.  He can't be dead!)  Craig!!!!! (His eyes are open.  His mouth looks bloody.  His skin is splotchy.  Oh my God!  I should do CPR.  I can't...I have to call 911.)  Beat on his chest or something!  911:  My son is dead!  How do you know?  I will tell you how to do CPR.  He's dead!  I used to work in ER.  I know he is dead!  His eyes are open!  His mouth is open!  His skin is splotchy!  My son is dead!  Oh God!  My son is dead!  This is an actual account of what happened when I found Scott.  At least to the best of my memory. It all happened very quickly.  I was struggling with the fact I didn't give Scott CPR.  But through the therapy, and now this, I know it would not have mattered.  I knew he was dead.  This one was a hard one and there are many more to follow, I am sure.  Now....for regular life....Today is COLD!  So far we have just gotten a bit of sleet and snow.  They are calling for the big stuff after midnight.  Craig is on call so he went to bed at 7:30 p.m.  I really, really, want a snow day!  Tuna Helper for dinner tonight..not quite as yummy as yesterday.  However, you are all invited to dinner for tomorrow night's crock-pot pork roast with potatoes, carrots, onions, and muffins. I am trying to eat a little better after so many months of eating slim jims, chips, cheese, popcorn, frozen pizza, and sandwiches.  It will, after all, be time to shed some clothes soon.  I think.  I hope.  I just want to feel better.  Who knows, though..... Wednesday's supper may be gruel.  I really do wish I could meet all of you in person and sit down to a good meal with you.  You are all such a blessing in my life.