I had a major meltdown last night before bed. I didn't even realize I was crying until tears started to puddle on the table. I had things to think about from my last EMDR therapy and I wrote about it last night. It was hard but I think another part has come together. I hope so. This is what I wrote, parenthesis are thoughts: My Son Is Dead Scott... Scott! Scott!!!! Oh my God! ( He's dead! His stomach isn't moving. He can't be dead!) Craig!!!!! (His eyes are open. His mouth looks bloody. His skin is splotchy. Oh my God! I should do CPR. I can't...I have to call 911.) Beat on his chest or something! 911: My son is dead! How do you know? I will tell you how to do CPR. He's dead! I used to work in ER. I know he is dead! His eyes are open! His mouth is open! His skin is splotchy! My son is dead! Oh God! My son is dead! This is an actual account of what happened when I found Scott. At least to the best of my memory. It all happened very quickly. I was struggling with the fact I didn't give Scott CPR. But through the therapy, and now this, I know it would not have mattered. I knew he was dead. This one was a hard one and there are many more to follow, I am sure. Now....for regular life....Today is COLD! So far we have just gotten a bit of sleet and snow. They are calling for the big stuff after midnight. Craig is on call so he went to bed at 7:30 p.m. I really, really, want a snow day! Tuna Helper for dinner tonight..not quite as yummy as yesterday. However, you are all invited to dinner for tomorrow night's crock-pot pork roast with potatoes, carrots, onions, and muffins. I am trying to eat a little better after so many months of eating slim jims, chips, cheese, popcorn, frozen pizza, and sandwiches. It will, after all, be time to shed some clothes soon. I think. I hope. I just want to feel better. Who knows, though..... Wednesday's supper may be gruel. I really do wish I could meet all of you in person and sit down to a good meal with you. You are all such a blessing in my life.
Replies
Right here with you honey - and it\'s ok - I\'m still having melt-downs, and I really think I\'ve been torturing myself - daily since August with all the thoughts I have been having over Shauns death. I think it helps to write down our feelings - and see where we are emotionally. What a horrible way to have found your son. Oh God, at least I was spared finding Shaun dead. His roommate found him - and I never asked for the explicit way he looked - I know it was not good. Even so - I have had the same thoughts hundreds of times - My son is dead - he\'s dead, it\'s horrible. CPR would not have helped - and I am so so sorry.
Please take care - stay warm, well fed - and I\'ll be here when you need me. Love you,
i found joeys body and i went to emdr also because i couldnt get it out of my mind. it helped/ i dont obsess on it as much. i know how you feel. hugs marianne
I am so glad that you are getting EMDR...it may be hard but I think that in the long run it will help you. I wish for you a peaceful day...love and hugs...Karen
God love you! That horrible night of Oct. 8, 2006 keeps going through my mind also. The shock keeps hitting me over & over. It isn\'t getting any better or easier. I keep telling myself when it starts, \"don\'t go there\" but my brain has a mind of its own. I couldn\'t even be in my son\'s mother-in-law\'s company or hear her voice for months later(she is the one who gave me the horrific news.) I hope the EMDR helps you and I am wishing you peace.
Barbara
Finding your child dead is the worst thing that can happen to a mother. I wish so much that I could give you a bit comforting hug. All of us having a meal together sounds so wonderful. I understand how you feel and I am thinking of you with great love. Anne
thinking the last day last moment is always heart broken, I don\'t have courage to write it down...hope that you have some peace today. love Robyn
I agree with rma I don\'t have the courage to face the last night to write it down or to think about it I push it far back. I am praying for all of us Peace must find us. Love Melissa
Thank you for sharing such personal memories. I feel the pain in your words. We all know that \"moment\" of realization... that is the moment our lives changed forever and all that we thought we had seemed to forever be altered. We move on... we begin to eat again... we start seeing things around us again... we live... we feel like dying.... we smile.... we feel like crying... BUT, we make it through until the time comes when we can be with those we lost again. Hang in there as best as possible. I am here for you.
Yes that moment that my life changed is one I would not wish on my worst enemy. But I took one day at a time and had a good support group & God to see me thru. Hey save some roast for me. Sound good if we all could ever get together. Hugs, Connie
I\'m happy the therapy is helping. Flashbacks are difficult no matter what the circumstance may have been in losing our children. Something we will always carry with us. Hopefully we begin to carry all the wonderful memories and love we share with them. I\'m always game for dinner. Can we still have slim jims and popcorn for desert? (lol). Hoping the rest of the week is better. Love Robin
Flashbacks come no matter what I think. I keep seeing my son on the road side and my mind tries to figure out \"how\" he got on the road and got hit. Then it flashes to the ambulance where I sat listening to them talk about him and then the ambulance broke down. My heart breaks, my nightmares just keep coming.
Parents should never have to go through any of this. Getting a phone call late at night, finding their child dead, going to the accident site, any of these but we do and it really sucks.
But like Robin4 said we have to remember the memories of our child while they were with us and hold onto to that.
Try to push out the event that took them from us, what we could and could not have done and think more on what WE did do with them in their life time and the memories we have because of that. I do not think we ever get the event/day out of our minds fully but I do think it softens and we will focus more on thier lives with us.
I wish you well with your treatments and hope you find peace soon. Please take care.
I\'m with you and we will one day of that I\'m sure. I hope your treatments will be the therapy you need. Love and hugs Cathy
Iam in tears now reading this.I remember hearing those words your Son has beed Shot and from there it was a nightmear I relive often .Even though its been some years back that I loss my Son.That day stays in my thoughts LOL Reggiesmom~Caroline