Friday night....Thank Goodness for Friday! I have had a rough afternoon for some reason. Maybe because I am exhausted. I am sleeping in tomorrow. This afternoon I went to a grocery store near my work. I used to go there when my boys were little as the one we had in Willard was tiny and expensive. I was a stay-at-home mom for many years. One night I went to the store by myself. Scott was 3. He begged to go with me. I said no. (I just wanted some alone time even if that meant the grocery store) Anyway when I got home my husband told me Scott had cried and cried. That was something he rarely did. And, while he was sitting on the porch watching me drive away, while crying, he saw one of our barn cats get run over. I wish my husband had never told me about Scott crying. It has bothered me every day since and for the next 18 years of Scott's life. I am not sure he even remembered it. But I did. Today when I pulled up at that store, all the memories came back. Of course, Scott went with me a zillion other times but it is the time he didn't that I remember most. Why didn't I take him?!?!? Why didn't I treasure the idea that a little boy wanted to spend some alone time with me? Of course we had many other times alone but the guilt for the time we didn't really hit me today. I probably, from that time on, over-did for Scott and my other boys. I never wanted to feel that way again. Why do I keep focusing on all the things I didn't do instead of what I did? Why can't I just remember all the good things and times? There were many more of those. This just SUCKS! It is like some wretched curse! When I got home there were numerous phone messages and calls. Tears just kept coming to my eyes. Craig got home and I told him it had been a rough afternoon. He actually understood! One of the calls was from a friend of his wanting him to come over for a beer and movie as his wife was going to be gone this evening. Craig told me he would stay home if I wanted him, too. That was so sweet of him. Of course, I told him to go. Adam was out tonight. Again, I wanted some time alone. I just can't seem to understand myself anymore. I did enjoy my time alone but the "what if's" haunt me. Craig is back home but Adam is still out. I worry. I did get some bills paid, popped some popcorn, and watched a movie. Does anyone else reading this have this crazy, mixed up, guilty, confused, self?!?!? I thought I was doing better. I probably am. But today......
Replies
yes, that self you describe happens to me all the time. i am learning to tell it to shut up. anything triggers it. huge hugs.
You are not alone. Waves of emotion like the daily ocean tide. I dont know why we concentrate on the bad and not the good. I think that the love between mother and son goes so deep that we have to justify their death. Take it one day at a time. Hope that your weekend is peaceful. Hugs sherry
Yes, I have those times when I think about things that have happened that I wish I could change...but when I feel them coming on...I say to myself (sometimes out loud)...\"don\'t go there\". And, sometimes I shake my head NO...like I am shaking off that thought. I don\'t think there is any good that can come from feeling guilty about those things...and I am certain your son knew your love for him went beyond understanding...forgive yourself and let those thoughts go...love to you and I am hoping for peace for you today...Karen
Guilt is one emotion that can run us into the ground faster than any other and is so hard to overcome. I read something the other day that helps me when I\'m feeling guilty over something. It went something like this, \"If you did or said something out of malice to hurt someone, you have a right to feel guilty. If not, let it go.\" As moms we all need(ed) our down time. The \"our time\" gave us a chance to reenergize so that we could keep being the best moms we could be. Karen mentions a great way to stop the harmful negative feelings we so often have. I, too try to stop those thoughts as soon as they hit and refocus on something positive. It does help after you get in the habit of doing it. My prayers are with you. *Hug* Adrianne
We all have those times that we remember things that guilt us. The trick is not to get hung up on them. I try to switch them off by pushing to remember good times. It\'s hard sometimes it really depends on our mind strength for the day. If you have had enough sleep etc. Sounds to me you are getting run down and needed the alone time maybe to try and refocus yourself. I don\'t know if any of that makes sense but thats what I try to do. Love and Hugs.
You have much company in that I should have place. If possible try to focus on the I did instead. You did all you could. You did great. Give yourself a break. Hindsight is ssoo much better than in the moment. I find I like to be alone now, actually I prefer it. Thinking of you. Love and hugs Cathy