Friday night....Thank Goodness for Friday! I have had a rough afternoon for some reason.  Maybe because I am exhausted.  I am sleeping in tomorrow.  This afternoon I went to a grocery store near my work.  I used to go there when my boys were little as the one we had in Willard was tiny and expensive.  I was a stay-at-home mom for many years.  One night I went to the store by myself.  Scott was 3.  He begged to go with me.  I said no.  (I just wanted some alone time even if that meant the grocery store)  Anyway when I got home my husband told me Scott had cried and cried.  That was something he rarely did.  And, while he was sitting on the porch watching me drive away, while crying, he saw one of our barn cats get run over.  I wish my husband had never told me about Scott crying.  It has bothered me every day since and for the next 18 years of Scott's life.  I am not sure he even remembered it.  But I did.  Today when I pulled up at that store, all the memories came back.  Of course, Scott went with me a zillion other times but it is the time he didn't that I remember most.  Why didn't I take him?!?!?  Why didn't I treasure the idea that a little boy wanted to spend some alone time with me?  Of course we had many other times alone but the guilt for the time we didn't really hit me today.  I probably, from that time on, over-did for Scott and my other boys.  I never wanted to feel that way again.  Why do I keep focusing on all the things I didn't do instead of what I did?  Why can't I just remember all the good things and times?  There were many more of those.  This just SUCKS!  It is like some wretched curse!  When I got home there were numerous phone messages and calls.  Tears just kept coming to my eyes.  Craig got home and I told him it had been a rough afternoon.  He actually understood!  One of the calls was from a friend of his wanting him to come over for a beer and movie as his wife was going to be gone this evening.  Craig told me he would stay home if I wanted him, too.  That was so sweet of him.  Of course, I told him to go.  Adam was out tonight.  Again, I wanted some time alone.  I just can't seem to understand myself anymore.  I did enjoy my time alone but the "what if's" haunt me.  Craig is back home but Adam is still out.  I worry.  I did get some bills paid, popped some popcorn, and watched a movie.  Does anyone else reading this have this crazy, mixed up, guilty, confused, self?!?!?  I thought I was doing better.  I probably am.  But today......