Thursday, February 28, 2008

I am so tired today!  I am not getting a lot of sleep.  This time the EMDR has just made me feel kind of blank.  I have thought of, and talked of, Scott today but it was not emotionally draining like usual.  It feels strange.  I don't really know how to live without so many tears every day. I don't like it that I have cried so much the past 8 mos. but without it I don't know what to do.  It is all very confusing.  Maybe I will get some rest this weekend and be able to process things a little more. The kids are still wound up!  Not just our class.  One of "my" boys had a referal to the office and the principal was too busy to see him.  Today, for that boy, was not any better. He just got in more trouble.  He is really more of a behavioral problem than autistic.  He is a bit on the spectrum.  But, sometimes, I think we all are. I wish I knew what was up with him so maybe I could help. And, we had a sub.  Change of any kind is hard on these kids.  2 more wks. until Spring Break!  Unlike Christmas break this one should be more relaxing. I only have real plans for one day.  I am trying to cram a lunch with friends, counseling, ins. appt., and errands all into one day so I can stay home all the rest.  I think I want to clean and go through things for a spring garage sale.  I have sooooo much stuff.  Since Scott died the stuff just doesn't mean as much.  And, I used to be somewhat of a pack-rat.  A lot of times that has come in handy living in the country.  On the other hand it just takes up a lot of space.  If the weather is nice I hope to get outside a bit.  A lot of times, though, we have some of our biggest snows then.  They usually don't last long.  Craig is insisting on a vacation this year.  A big one.  I don't really care.  He got 2 wks. approved in July.  If we have the money we will go to Mesa Verde, CO.  I have never seen a mountain and neither of us have been there.  If money is a problem we will just take the 5th wheel and go to the lake for several days.  We may do both.  I would love to just go poke around a campfire.  Mesa Verde will be hard, though.  We were supposed to go there when Scott was 13 but he broke his ankle (2 screws) and we couldn't.  Then, I bought a business and big/long vacations were just not an option. So, here we are, 8 yrs. later, thinking about it.  I guess, somehow, I will just have to get my head wrapped around it.  I hope Adam is able to go with us.  I think Craig would prefer it just be the two of us but I really feel uncomfortable leaving Adam.  Of course, he will have Chris 20 min. away and Adam is 20, not a baby.  I just feel insecure, I think.  Not that my being here or him being with us would actually change anything bad happening....Thanks to everyone reading!